If I was a CoHo pastry I would be a…

JEREMY DANG / AGGIE

A critical analysis of personified pastries

Zen Bar

What’s the point of getting a pastry if you take out all the fun stuff? Just stick to your oatmeal, dude. You’re the friend who gets sorbet when you go out to ice cream. You’re the one eating and storing everything in a collection of jars and thermoses. You’re not a bad person or anything, you just really need to chill out. A little dry but surprisingly sweet when you hit the raisins, I guess you’re a good way to quell a sweet tooth if you’re avoiding refined sugar.

 

Apple Apricot Streusel Bar

You’re the type of significant other that parents love. You’re sweet, familiar and not too challenging. A more modern take on apple pie, you’re like looking at old photos of someone’s pretty grandma. It’s just nice. We all wish that there were more of you in the world, but at the end of the day your flavor isn’t all that complex and you end up being numbingly sweet. If we could make one suggestion: Be more substantive! Throw some more tart fruit on top — we know you have it in you.

 

Ecstasy Bar

You are shameless. I mean, it’s all in the name. Very up front, decadent, bold. Not a calorie-saver but you don’t aim to be. You are totally vivacious, fulfilling and indulgent. Your friends can only hang out with you like once a month because they need that much time to recover. However, when they turn you down they kind of regret it. You remind us that you only live once, might as well have an ecstacy bar.

 

Dream Bar

Vastly underestimated, immensely pleasing. You’re that person of few words who holds back in class except for those few, insanely poignant comments that expose how freaking bright you really are. You are rich in knowledge and are highly complex. You’re a real treat when you get a chance to just talk one-on-one, although you’re good to split with a friend because there’s just so much there. You’re that person you could stay up until 4 a.m. talking to; it must be because you’re such a dream.

 

Funfetti cookie

Who the heck even are you! So bubbly, happy-go-lucky, childlike. You’re so much fun but would we really choose you every day? You’re a special, silly occasion. You’re obviously pretty and you know it, totally sweet, don’t really taste like much else. There’s something nostalgic about you. Lots of people want to taste the rainbow and you’re probably the best way to do that.

 

Chocolate espresso cookie

There’s something oddly masculine about you. Understated and yummy, you’re a rare find. Often elusive, perhaps as a result of your popularity, we’ll buy two of you when we get the chance and don’t even feel bad about it! Though it could serve you to be a little heartier, you don’t feel the impetus to change much. Oddly enough, we end up liking you more for it.

 

Vegan coconut fudge bar

Perfectly balanced. Although we wish we could bestow that title on the Yin Yang cake, you deserve it. You’re a totally indulgent flavor palate, but spare us the animal products. A great choice for those trying to limit their environmental footprint, you relieve our conscience at the same time that you’re totally satisfying. A good friend on compromising days, you make us feel better about our weaknesses without forcing us to reform. Thanks, friend!

 

Zucchini bread

You’re that measured, organized person who has a little baggie for pens and pencils and uses binder dividers (with the tabs). You pack your own lunch in divided tupperwares and only eat breakfast at breakfast time. This is your choice sweet because it’s perfectly loaf shaped, perfectly digestible and perfectly yummy, albeit not everyone’s cup of tea. You’re agreeable but walk to the beat of your own drum.

 

Rice krispie treat

You know that person you so randomly run into and enjoy, but only completely sporadically? That’s you. Funny, quirky but somehow simultaneously a classic. You’re nice to pretty much everyone and are that person who when walking around with on campus, says hi to literally everyone. We’re not sure who your close friends are, but we’ll get you while you’re hot.

 

Savory scone

You don’t like sugar. You’re hungry and it’s morning time. You’re buttery and yummy but very practical. You’re honestly not a healthy choice for breakfast, but you’re the kind of friend who just eats everything and anything. You’re very laid-back and grounded and we love you for it. You’re someone that our parents would like, which makes you comfortable but often uninteresting. In any case we’re glad you’re an option.

 

Written by: Stella Sappington — features@theaggie.org