UC Davis resorts to as-seen-on-TV ads to solve its age-old debacle
Like a tween with a face full of acne and a million hormones doing the can-can, the arboretum’s algae holds it back from achieving true confidence. No amount of cleaning has been able to alleviate its surface flaws. However, one brave economics minor, Chad Falcon, has found a solution to bring this curvy waterway’s groove back.
Chad strutted into a lecture hall filled to the brim with scientists, environmentalists and Leonardo DiCaprios, ranging from “Titanic” ones to “The Revenant” ones. They chittered and chattered on about how they could possibly solve the arboretum’s flaw. Some suggested putting a machine in to keep a current constantly going to prevent standing water, but that could never work. Well, it couldn’t possibly work better than what Chad was bringing to the table.
“So, like, we get a ShamWow,” Chad said. “Yah, brah.”
The whole audience stood up, throwing bouquets of roses and money at Chad. He threw up two hang-loose hands and stuck his tongue out for the mass of news cameras diving toward who can only be described as the Albert Einstein of his generation.
With this, they called 1-800-SHAMWOW and told the one packaging guy who still worked at the old company to STEP ON IT.
“What size would you like?” the sole employee said. “We have small, medium, la-”
“BIGGEST BIG,” the masses shouted into one iPhone 5C. “THE BIGGEST BIG THAT YOU CAN BRING.”
Understanding the seriousness of this task, ShamWow dude grabbed all three of the remaining towels and stapled them together. He had done it. The Damnwow was born.
The team unloaded the DamnWow out of ShamWow bro’s Kia Soul and got to work.
“Y’all, my name’s Keith,” ShamWow kid hollered from the driver’s seat.
“Nobody gives a rat’s buttocks, sugar,” shouted all 300 people in perfect unison, with harmonies.
“D’oh,” Shamkeith said.
The team threw the mighty DamnWow across the waters of the Putah Creek channel, like a beautifully gigantic Biore pore strip (for you lame biscuits, that’s one of those nose strips that looks like a bandaid and pulls your skin harder than Chad pulls ladies at the club). They let it soak for five minutes.
“Pretty good weather we’re having,” said one member of the pack.
“Yeah, I agree,” said a distant voice in the back of the gathering.
“It’s a little brisk for my taste!” shouted Gary May from the top floor of Mrak Hall.
“They didn’t even solve my riddle to be able to cross this bridge,” grumbled the pepper spray cop.
At last, the DamnWow had sat for just long enough. The team lifted it to reveal stunning blue waters and a family of dolphins singing the soundtrack from “The Sound of Music.” They all had matching sweaters. Beside them, Sebastian and Ariel from “The Little Mermaid” were decorating the water with flower petals and those hip floaties that are shaped like avocados or whatever the kids like these days.
“Is this really what the arb was meant to look like all these years?” the group said as it marveled at the beautiful sight.
“No, it’s a damn creek, bro,” the dolphins said.
Written by: Olivia Luchini — ocluchini@ucdavis.edu
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
