64.2 F

Davis, California

Monday, February 26, 2024

Humor: The most Davis ways to tell your girlfriend you have a second family


Try the scenic Arboretum or Shields Library

Fellas, we all know that the quarter system comes at you fast. Your time is thinned out so much that most major modeling agencies want to hire it. There’s no time to do anything, especially not to tell your sweet girlfriend about that second family you’ve had under wraps for five years. Rest assured, for I have the most Davis ways for you to deliver this “awko taco” hot and ready in the comfort of your own campus.

First of all, take advantage of that CoHo. It’s loud as heck, and you can treat her to an affordable snack if it goes well. Plop yourself right in the middle of all the different sections (I find that TxMx is the loudest) and just subtly whisper, “Hey, I’m married and have two kids.” If she hears you, great! If she doesn’t, at least you tried!

Second option: the Arboretum! Take her for a romantic stroll around the path and then stand on a bridge, looking over the majestic waters and diverse greenery. Breath in that Arb air one last time before you point at a duck.

“Ya know, ducks don’t believe in monogamy,” you’ll say. “And neither do I.”

It’s a foolproof way to reveal a mindset that’s more of a “first-date topic” to your lady who’s been by your side for a year.

The third option is also a winner. You’re going to take her to Shields Library. Go to the quietest floor and just whisper, “Hey, I have a second family.” Boom. She can’t yell. It’s a library. Foolproof solution.

You want something outside of the central campus? I’ve got you. Take her to the Farmers Market. Get that sweet AJ (apple juice) and put a teensy, weensy note in the bottom of the bottle. Before she throws it away, gesture for her to look inside said bottle. She’ll reach in, excitedly. Oh no! She thought you were going to propose! She was not emotionally prepared! Ah!

If that doesn’t please your peach, don’t worry. I’ve got way more. Take her to Salsa Night (or any of the other dance nights, I guess) and just wait till a sort of romantic song comes on. Look her dead in the eyes. Create that tension. Then, you’re going to say, “This was the first song my wife and I had se-.” You don’t have to finish it. She’s already out the door. Mainly, because the song that you said this about was “Fireball” by Pitbull.

Another idea? Bikes. Roll up with a tandem bicycle. She’ll think, “Hmm, a little unnecessary, but sure, I guess.” No one has ever willingly mounted a tandem bike. Put your hands on your hips as you look at it and let out a big sigh. “Ya know, it’s a shame that they don’t make bikes with THREE seats… and like two of those little baby seats.” She’ll get the picture.

Most importantly, the most Davis way to tell your girlfriend that you have a second family is to not do it at all and just be extremely kind to both of these ladies until the day you die in order to avoid making anyone sad or giving off negative vibes. As the saying goes: “It’s better to live in agony than to tell your fellow Aggie something that will make them unhappy, especially if it’s that you have a secret family,” – Gunrock.



Written by: Olivia Luchini — ocluchini@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here