Fingerblast that keyboard
Davis Cru, the campus crusade for Christ, has teamed up with the dog people coalition to spread the ideals of diversity, inclusivity and equity: D.I.E.
“The pen is mightier than the sword, but both work just as well stabbed into the throat of a non-believer,” said half-poodle, half-human Dalta, who was removing her G2 Pilot .38 from the neck of a Davis Stand-up Comedy Club member, clearly an atheist.
“This is the sequel to the crusades,” said Ted Cruz, the leader of the Cru-sader revivalist movement. “It’s just a damn shame that there aren’t any relics or historical artifacts to steal from atheists, since they don’t conform to a collectivist ideology.”
The upsurgence of modern crusaders wasn’t a massive surprise, but their predilection for nailing virgins to the cross in comradery for Jesus certainly was.
“This makes our movement a little less edgy,” Satanist Antwon DeLay of the Davis Satanists Society said. “We are now competing against Cru, and they’ve got the support of Woodland and Dixon.”
Computer science majors seem to be the primary target, given the proliferation of virgins in the major. Apparently this is a prerequisite for entering the major — or heaven.
“I haven’t had any experience with girls,” said Ian Maxwell, a third-year computer science major. “But I can type 230 words per minute, which will certainly come in handy when I finally get to play with a vagina.”
“I can’t believe Drew Hanson is bashing us for nailing virgins to the cross. Like, isn’t that totally metal?” said Katherine Weaver, a longtime opponent of Hanson’s work, as she hammered a nine-inch nail through the hand of Ian Maxwell.
“This is my last humor piece,” said writer Drew Hanson, standing on the outer edge of the Golden Gate Bridge. “I don’t think I can have a more significant contribution to society than pointing out and making a mockery of their bullshit and double standards. If they don’t get this, then it’s already too late.”
Written by: Drew Hanson — andhanson@ucdavis.edu
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
