Humor: Toddler starts studying and drinking to keep up with competitive workforce

CAITLYN SAMPLEY / AGGIE

2 years old and no internship? Is he even trying?

One local toddler is a total failure. He’s 2 years old, and he’s barely made a LinkedIn. It’s like he didn’t even read all of those articles about how much more competitive the job market is getting. It’s almost like he can’t even read at all… nonetheless, this baby is beyond bamboozled by his short resume and has resorted to drinking.

“You wanna… you wanna know what’s frickin’ stupid?” Drunk Toddler said. “I… I am like TOP DOG of my daycare… and you think you can get a job when you’re top dog, right? No! Nope!”

The parents of Drunk Toddler started to get suspicious when they found out that the juice from all of the sippy cups in the house had been suspiciously poured into that one drawer that you just throw miscellaneous menus into. They grew concerned when they found a handle of Smirnoff behind the crappiest block tower ever.

“Honey, what’s this?” one mom asked the baby as he looked over the materials for his “Intro to Shapes” midterm with glazed eyes.

“It’s my special juice, Carol,” Drunk Toddler spat back. “Why don’t you try some so you’re not such a stick in the mud?”

Drunk Toddler has been taking as many classes as he can to show employers that he’s motivated. He’s taken Intro to Colors, Intro to Shapes, Animal Sounds History and even a physical education course on proper tantrum thrashing.

“Anything to boost the skills section of my LinkedIn, man…” Drunk Toddler said. “You wouldn’t believe it, but I pale in comparison to some toddlers. Mary Pulkins, an 18-month chump, already has a bachelor’s degree in the alphabet… Apple has been scouting her for months. And me? I can’t even figure out what blue is! I don’t know!”

Drunk Toddler threw his Fisher Price laptop against the wall and took another swig from his sippy cup. A total mess, he waddled to the kitchen for dinner.

Over some tense knife-to-plate noises and a lot of gibberish talk from Drunk Toddler (we’re unsure if the gibberish stems from the alcohol or the fact that he’s a baby), his brave mom broke the silence.

“You don’t have to give your life up for a career, son,” she said. “There are so many beautiful things in this world for us to enjoy outside of the hellish workforce of the 21st century. We have family, friends, music, art, food and more — these beautiful things that we only get to enjoy in the limited amount of time that we have on Earth. Why let those things go untouched for the sake of a resume that could never define your true worth? Why die without truly living?”

A hush fell over the room and a violin swelled in the background. The family grabbed hands and looked into each other’s eyes, finally appreciating the true meaning of existence for the first time in Drunk Toddler’s life. He pushed his sippy cup of vodka off of his highchair, symbolically accepting a life outside of the stress he had created. He had but one response for his wise mother.

“What’s it mean to ‘die’?” he asked.

His mother picked up the vodka sippy cup from the floor and took a fat swig.

 

Author’s Note: Drink responsibly… and don’t let your babies drink.

 

Written by: Olivia Luchini — ocluchini@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)