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Sunday, July 25, 2021

Humor: Linda Katehi or Lizard Katehi?

MICHELLE GORE / AGGIE

A date

“Just back here in what’s thought to be the cold barren recesses of the Shields Library is where we keep the souls of our students,” said Lizard Katehi, Chancellor of the Underworld — not to be confused with Linda Katehi, the former chancellor of UC Davis. Lizard nonetheless bares a passing resemblance to Linda while in human form — a result of being of a clone of Linda created by the lizard people. A roll of dry yet surprisingly pliable human flesh sagged from her tail onto the floor. She was in the midst of shedding, and it was rare to find in her lizard form, so this was indeed a special opportunity that I would not take for granted.

As she strode down the hall, the human flesh drooped ever more, further revealing her beautiful reptilian scales. The shedding seemed to start somewhere near the top, with her arm flesh flopping down on the floor behind her. I accidentally stepped on one of her hand skins, and as she pulled forward, the entirety of her human appearance pulled off onto the floor. There I stood, on top of her finger flesh, the rest of her skin piled up on the floor at the base of her tail. I blushed slightly, then let out a slight laugh. She began laughing too, very amicably and with a slight hiss. It was an honest mistake. I’m sure someone else had stepped on part of her and pulled off all of her shed flesh in a single moment.

To make the situation more humorous, I wore her face as a mask. It fit surprisingly well. She didn’t seem to mind, presumably because as long as I held her appearance I’d be the object of public scorn and post-modernist witch-hunting, much to her relief. We continued down the hallway. Shields was much bigger than I expected, especially this part.

This was where she made her move on me. I wasn’t uncomfortable with the situation, but I said that it would be moonlighting since I do much of my sex work outside of school and rely entirely on “tips.” She said that there was no potential for pregnancy since she was asexual and reproduced through parthenogenesis, and when questioned on STDs, she said that the only diseases she spread were occasionally plague in her human form, when afflicted by fleas, and sometimes anthrax when moonlighting for the United States’ chemical weapons deployment team in South America. That last one she only did around Christmas, though — for extra gift money, mainly.

Lizard took a moment, possibly embarrassed, and checked if she had any food in her 73 teeth (one tooth was lost in a rather strange accident involving lots of money and textbooks). I didn’t mean to offend her, and, quite frankly, I’m not sure if that’s what I’d conveyed. She squirted herself with some perfume which turned out to actually be pepper spray, and her confidence suddenly returned.

I told her that I preferred to bond over deep conversation before such intimate matters, but that I wouldn’t be opposed to the idea after a stressful day of mostly just existing. She took “deep conversation” literally, which is often a thing that lizard people do, and offered to show me her lair deep within the earth’s crust.

It was at this point that I realized I was late to a meeting, but I told her that I’d like her phone number for a follow up. Lizard gave me her business card from a company that turns trees into student debt, and I laughed since I didn’t read or buy textbooks. Realizing that she had meant to give me her business card for her professor position, she quickly swapped them out with a slight blush that I could hardly detect on her scales. I could tell that she was invested in me, and after this meetup I can finally say that something good actually came out of Tinder.

 

 

Written by: Drew Hanson — andhanson@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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