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Sunday, October 17, 2021

Humor: English major realizes everything can be a phallic symbol if you think hard enough

MACLEAN HARTFORD / AGGIE

8=====D (What does it mean?)

Now let’s just think for a minute. What is a penis?

This is not a rhetorical question. Seriously, what is a penis? What do you use it for? Is it a kind of trout? Perhaps a writing utensil? An eating utensil? Please write your answer to the following email because I’m too scared to ask Mommy for the truth: adlevins@ucdavis.edu.

Anyway, today we are gonna talk about phallic symbols, which, as we all surely know, is a fancy way of saying that something that’s not a dick does, in fact, look like a dick. What kinds of things am I talking about, you ask? What? You’ve never seen a dick? Hah.

Things like pencils, crayons, spaceships, bananas, zucchinis, solar eclipses, the extreme tippy top of Mt. Everest, the sword that Beowulf holds in the 2007 movie adaption “Beowulf” that Angelina Jolie (who is Grendel’s Mama) is stroking and then melts, and it’s kind of uncomfortable (no doubt compounded by the fact that Ray Winstone is playing Beowulf and also that everything inexplicably looks super CGI and did not age well).

ANYWAY, another indication that something is a phallic symbol is if any given English professor arbitrarily decides it is a phallic symbol. This could be anything: your Dad’s bald head, or perhaps your 2012 Subaru Impreza, even a slice of Hawaiian pizza. Anything can be a phallic symbol if you so choose to pretend it is. Think about it.

Is this saying that phallic symbols make me roll my eyes because of how overused they are? Oh certainly not! I like dicks!

(Mom, I’m sorry I wrote this article).

 

 

Written by: Aaron Levins  — adlevins@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

 

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