I’ll take food over a degree any day
College is a time for exploration, a time for finding your passion and a time for growth. I found my passion in exploring the menu at Dumpling House and growing my waistline.
Why do I need a degree when my best credential is on display at the South CoHo in the form of a Polaroid on the wall, which I earned by eating three quad stack chili bowls?
Oh, does UC Davis have something to teach me about technology? Are you sure? Because I’ll have you know I can use the iPads at UOB to find my craft cider faster than anyone else I know. I don’t need to be an engineer to build my own sandwich combo at Ike’s.
Oh, I was supposed to learn economics? I save $1.50 a day by eating the special at Sam’s.
How about statistics? Well, through my extensive field research I have determined that, at the moment you order the tilapia at Dot Island, there is only an 85 percent chance that the next day you’ll wake up with food poisoning.
I’m learning about small business: For instance, the other day the manager of Shah’s Halal told me that, because I spend so much money there, he named a propane cylinder after me.
I’m also involved in student leadership. I lead a particularly ambitious group of one to Delta of Venus, where we vote on which scramble to buy (the vote is always unanimous).
Can I recite the quadratic formula? No. What I can tell you is that, if you eat at El Burrito, you might as well walk across the street to Chipotle because you don’t know what real Mexican tastes like.
Look, we all waste student loan money. I use mine to eat out, my roommate uses his to eat out with me.
I know what you’re thinking: What happens when the student loan money runs out? Well, through the power of science I have built a theorem that I have earned enough stamps at Yoloberry to cover me for at least a month while I figure out how to declare bankruptcy.
I would love to spend my time and money getting a fancy degree. But what is college for if not — oh, my pizza just got here.
Written by: Parker Nevin — firstname.lastname@example.org
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)