It’s like the Buffalo Springfield song, “A thousand people in the street, singing songs and carrying signs.” Only, instead of a thousand people, there are dozens of teachers. Handfuls, really.
All around the U.S., teachers are acting like mafia wise guys, demanding money and respect — in New Jersey accents. That’s what the news reports are calling “teacher activism.” That’s one version of it, anyway. But what I’d like to know is, why should we pay teachers good money to teach the next generation? Isn’t that like investing in our future?
When you think about it, teachers don’t deserve high wages — or wages at all. It’s not like they’re doctors (well, it’s not like all of them are doctors). Besides, what they earn is far more rewarding than any monetary value. Teachers earn the adoration and respect of their students, who would do anything for them — except maybe agree to increase their salaries. If it were up to this reporter, teachers would use a bartering system instead of currency. Imagine this: You could pay for your education with your old stamp collection. It’s better than throwing the stamps away.
“I make peanuts teaching science,” said Ted Nugget, a middle school science teacher. “I heard In-N-Out managers make six-figure salaries, so I’d rather teach your kids to flip burgers. Maybe I can use my old set of Bunsen burners at my new job […] What’s that? […] Oh. I guess they’ve melted those down to make cattle prods for corralling the teachers back inside.”
Some teachers are chanting the slogan “Red for Ed,” which raises a lot of questions. First of all, who’s Ed? Doesn’t Ed’s preoccupation with red have something to do with gangs, matadors or Nazis? Why are teachers spreading Communism to our schools? These are just some of the questions that we may never be able to answer.
There are many teachers who argue that they don’t just care about their salaries. They’re worried about student luxuries like “textbooks” and “asbestos-free school buildings.” Boo-hoo.
Teachers should go back to being martyrs. It’s easier and better for everyone that way.
Written by: Jess Driver — jmdriver@ucdavis.edu
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
