Mittens has a long history of grifting students for treats
Kimberly Upton, a second-year comparative literature major, was found by authorities last Tuesday in a fragile state with a feral tabby cat near the Voorhies fountain. The cat, identified by the alias “Mittens,” had been using Upton for treats in exchange for A’s since the beginning of the quarter. Upton admits that she was skeptical about the appropriateness of her relationship with Mittens, but she felt intimidated and afraid to seek help.
“On the first day of Spring Quarter, I followed one of my teachers from a distance and watched them turn behind the Voorhies building,” said Upton, whose voice was distorted through a vintage Talkboy, the electronic device made popular by the 1992 film “Home Alone.” “But when I followed them around the corner, I only saw this cat. I made the only logical conclusion: This cat was my professor’s Animagus, their animal form.”
“You don’t have to use the voice changer,” I assured Upton. “Everybody knows your name.”
“Whatev,” said her voice in exaggerated slow motion through the Talkboy.
Upton explained how Mittens bribed her with good grades in exchange for an endless supply of catnip. She even abandoned her studies to tend to Mittens and resorted to panhandling to earn money to support Mittens’ catnip habit. When Upton’s grades still didn’t improve, she started to worry. It was then that she tried to escape, but Mittens resorted to blackmailing, threatening to “detract 1,000 points from the comparative literature house.”
Upton was rescued by Officer Randy Weiner, who used forensic footprint analysis to track down the student in his minicar after she parked her scooter in a three-hour parking spot and outstayed her parking welcome by two full minutes.
“When I found the student, she appeared to be exhausted,” said Officer Weiner, who had to break the news to Upton gently that Mittens was in fact a regular cat and not a magical beast with origins in Hogwarts. “There were bits of chocolate chip banana cake in her hair and coffee stains down her blouse. She looked like she was held captive by the suspect for weeks.”
Mittens has been incarcerated on multiple occasions in the past by the Davis pound for grifting teachers and students.
“She lured me into a dark corner and forced me to give her scritches for 90 minutes,” said one student, who wished to remain anonymous.
Police have yet to locate Mittens’ current whereabouts. He is described as bookish and often wears an elbow-patch blazer. Suspicious-looking tabbies should be reported.
Written by: Jess Driver — firstname.lastname@example.org
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)