Why aren’t we cherishing this monument?
This is a joke article, alright? Okay, great. Now that we have that out of the way, when was the last time you went to the Davis United States Bicycling Hall of Fame? Never. Never is the answer. You have never been to the United States Bicycling Hall of Fame. Let me ask you another question: What is wrong with you?
Don’t you know that you attend a second-tier University of California? Do you not care about your education? Are you content with disappointing your parents? The United States Bicycling Hall of Fame is literally one block away from your university, and you have never gone even once.
I’ve seen you at Sam’s Mediterranean. You have no problem laying down $11.50 on a lunch combo, but you’re unwilling to walk literally across the street to contribute to one of the United States’ most important Bicycling Halls of Fame?
I get it. You want to know as little as possible about what you put between your legs. Guess what, mama? Life is gonna catch up to you. It’s gonna hit you hard and fast, and it’s going to hurt. Let me hit you with one fact maybe you haven’t considered. The longest “tandem” bicycle seated 35 people… it was more than 20 meters long… a modern Moby Dick.
Oh, you didn’t know that? Wow, I’m floored. You seemed so invested in your education. Well, even if you didn’t know that, I’m sure you knew that the smallest adult bicycle ever created had wheels made from silver dollars. Oh, you didn’t know that either, eh? Sorry, I assumed you must already be a bike fact expert considering you’ve never even put one foot inside The United States Bicycling Hall of Fame.
Look, I’m not here to judge you. You go ahead and live your best life, but just know that somewhere there is someone who doesn’t have the opportunity to go to the Davis United States Bicycling Hall of Fame and you are throwing this opportunity away. Throwing it away and right into their face.
Written by: Parker Nevin — firstname.lastname@example.org
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)