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Davis, California

Wednesday, April 17, 2024

Humor: Dude with sarcastic graphic tee’s hand numb after all those high fives, handshakes

Kohl’s sells sex

No one knows where he got a shirt that cool. Target? Maybe Gap? Perhaps Kohl’s? In any case, it’s the biggest statement anyone’s ever made at this school.

“This guy gets all the ladies,” Maggie Pinklerton said. “Just look at his shirt. I bet he puts it on just to take it back off again.”

Everyone passing by was physically moved by this man. As he walked down the hall, people stepped back in awe. Others were so moved that they dropped everything to call their mothers, who would nearly faint from the news. How could someone be THAT cool?

“I don’t know, I guess I was just born this funny and stylish,” The Man said. “It’s a curse, really.”

Many trips to the hospital reveal the downside to his social glory. His hand has gone numb from a few high-five-related fractures. Thousands of flowers and cards arrive when he goes to the emergency room.

On his last few days of senior year, his mother used color-safe bleach on his prized shirt. This made the words bolder and the miracle even bigger. Every mailman, cashier and dog The Man passed swerved their heads and sprinted to congratulate him. One footballer was a little too appreciative and decided a full body tackle was the best way to celebrate this man’s gifts. Lying on the hospital bed, The Man stuck true to his shirt and spit out his final words: “Come to the dark side…we have” — he coughed — “cookies.”



Written by: Beck Nava — rnavamcclellan@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)


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