This is not a drill
Sources reported Thursday that local 20-something Nate Finnegan started asking if anyone else was hearing loud sirens after receiving a text message from his long-time ex-girlfriend Brianne.
“He looks like he wants to throw up,” said friend Megan Jacobs, 26, who confirmed that her friend looked like he had just seen an equally horrifying and sexy ghost.
At the time, Finnegan was reportedly praying that his ex was just texting to tell him to get off her mom’s Netflix account.
Friends became concerned for Finnegan’s sanity after he asked whether it might be possible that his ex was texting to return one of his cardigans.
Finnegan explained he couldn’t talk long, as he needed the next 24 hours to put off opening the message. He reported that he had a lot of work to do — mainly, finding a tv show with at least three seasons he could binge before calming down enough to respond to the text message like a normal human.
Finnegan’s best friend Jackson told The California Aggie that, last summer, when Brianne tagged Finnegan in an innocuous Spongebob meme, he drank all the fluids around him indiscriminately.
“Milk, chicken broth, Windex — he just chugged any container of liquid he could get his hands on,” Jackson said. “It was like all the water in his body had immediately been flushed through his sweaty palms.”
At this time, it’s unclear how Mr. Finnegan intends to respond. Suffice to say, he will try to stay as uninformed about his ex-lovers’ intentions as possible.
Written by: Parker Nevin — email@example.com
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)