Perpetrator described as white with brown curly hair, glasses and a beard
The UC Davis Police Department issued an official crime alert this week notifying students and staff about a wanted man with unknown motives. The notice comes after a series of incidents occurring throughout the week involving the still-unidentified criminal “kicking moving cyclists off of their bicycles, yelling ‘blam!’ and then proceeding to run in a random direction.” Officers tell The California Aggie there have been over 40 incidents involving similar circumstances.
Many victims of this terrible crime are still experiencing trauma.
“It was 9 a.m. on a Monday, and I was riding to my French class,” fourth-year Kyle Jordan recounted. “I was hitting a pretty nice tailwind on California when all of a sudden I hear this… inhuman sound. Then, I’m on the ground, scrapes everywhere. Someone comes up to me and tells me they saw this guy kick me off and run into some nearby bushes. I haven’t been back on the bike since, and now every morning I wake up to that sound ringing in my ears.”
After collecting each victim’s testimony, the police department has released a list of physical characteristics to help identify the vigilante. Consistently, victims with memories of the perpetrator remember a tall white male with curly hair, glasses and a beard. One student recalls him “looking vaguely like Seth Rogan” and another claims he “just had that English major look.” While this is still a rough profile, Davis police officers are confident they will find the man they are now calling the “Davis Bike Blammer.”
“There’s no question that we’ll get this guy,” said Guy Sogud, chief of the Davis Police Bike Division. “In cases like this, we’re more concerned with copycats. In the last two days, we’ve already seen reports of people being punched or flicked off of their bikes after hearing ‘ka-blammo’ or ‘blippity bloppity, you’re not the boss of me.’”
The Aggie is asking anyone with information about the “Davis Bike Blammer” to call the “DBB Hotline” at 1-530-BIKEBLAM.
Written by: Conner Shaw — firstname.lastname@example.org
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)