Humor: How to fold your sheets: Aggie Dorm Tips

DAVIS WHALEN / AGGIE

A fun little guide to help your sheets stay unwrinkled, fresh

This is Conner here with Aggie Dorm Tips, your one-stop shop for all the tricks you need to keep your dorm room fresh and tidy. Today, we’re taking a closer look at one of the most important tasks regarding room cleanliness: folding your sheets. Follow this guide exactly and you won’t be disappointed with your results. Let’s get started!

First, lay your sheet completely flat on a hard, even surface like your desk or the floor. You want the sheets to remain still during this process, so make sure the surface can accommodate the full length and width of the fabric.

Next is probably the most important step. Place your right hand in the center of your sheets and press down firmly. You want the sheets to feel comforted by your presence, but you also want them to understand that you’re the big boss around here. If you have particularly sensitive sheets, you may use your other hand to lightly stroke their edges to ensure they understand you mean them no harm. You should keep your hand pressed down for at least ten minutes to ensure proper sheet folding etiquette.

Next — and this is critical — take your hand away from the sheets and exit the room. This is to let the sheets know that they shouldn’t get too attached to you and that after you fold them, you are not beholden to their presence. Sheets have a propensity to cry out during this stage, which sounds vaguely like a rustling bush or, in some cases, an albatross distress call. Despite these protests, do not acknowledge the sheets at this point. If you do, they may develop a codependency and attempt to strangle you in your sleep (the first step in sheet mating rituals). Let the sheets sit there for about 12 hours, or until they appear golden brown.

Now this next step is a bit tricky. You might need to elicit help from a friend or roommate. Once you enter the room with the sheets, immediately do the hokey pokey, starting with your right foot. The sheets, upon witnessing this display, should scream a high pitched wail, move toward you in a lumbering slide and begin to convulse. Keep the sheets at bay with a few swift kicks (which should be easy to do as you put your limbs in and out) until their movement ceases. If you complete the entire hokey pokey, the sheets should moan softly and fold themselves within 30 to 40 seconds.

And that’s it! You’re done. If you follow these steps exactly, your sheets will be perfectly folded with much less hassle. Thanks for reading Aggie Dorm Tips.

 

Written by: Conner Shaw — cjshaw@ucdavis.edu
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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