Humor: An investigation into professions you absolutely cannot wear rollerblades in

JEREMY DANG / AGGIE

Yes, it is as disturbing as you think

The issue of rollerblades in the workplace may not be something you hear about every day. In the movies, rollerblades are always portrayed as a slick and fun way for waiters and waitresses to quickly roll from table to table while perfectly balancing stacks of dishes in their gangly arms.

However, cultural documents like these do not show the darker side of rollerblades in the professional world. After lengthy investigations into several professions in which rollerblades have been used and abused, The California Aggie’s undercover reporters have discovered a grim reality.

At many hospitals throughout the country, medical professionals have experimented with using rollerblades. In the early stages, this seemed to be helpful in emergencies when patients needed to be quickly transported to the operating room. However, there have been many major problems with this system, including high-speed hallway collisions between stretchers being moved at over 25 miles per hour.

On one occasion, after Dr. Shay Kiyands completed his typical pre-surgery routine of stretching, washing his face and snorting some cocaine, he glided over to the operating room on his rollerblades, but forgot to take them off before beginning to operate. In the middle of the surgery, Dr. Kiyands leaned forward for a better angle, causing his left foot to slip backwards, running over the foot of another surgeon, who then accidentally punctured the patient’s left lung with his forceps. The patient was sedated and never informed that this occurred. Several surgeons were later overheard joking that the patient “probably wouldn’t ever notice since he chain-smokes and has emphysema anyway.”

Meanwhile, at a small funeral home in Nebraska, a large portion of the regular funeral-going crowd were taken aback when the funeral home director Abe Rasif entered the venue on rollerblades to distribute the obituaries and programs. While Rasif claims that it brings some “lightness” and “fun” to these “sad, dull and boring” events, attendees disagree.

“It seems inappropriate and just tonally-wrong,” said Ida Nodeudedgi, a local funeral crasher. “But perhaps I’d like the look more if he wasn’t wearing a cheap suit.”

Lastly, it seems that wearing rollerblades as the First Lady could potentially be a disastrous PR move, especially since Melania Trump is the most bullied person in the world.

“We wanted Melania to wear rollerblades at one of her next public appearances so she could send the message to kids that it’s important to strike a balance between being active outside and cyberbullying people on social media, but we know the Fake News Media would just criticize her,” said spokesman Ry Chizaz. “While we’ve now been advised against it, we remain confident that the First Lady would rock her rollerblades, whether visiting hurricane victims, detained migrant children or impoverished African children.”

We are also in possession of thousands of documents from our sources that detail the suspicious use of rollerblades by roofers, DMV workers, coal miners, faith healers, flight attendants, fisherman, lobbyists and clowns. However, we’ve received cease and desist letters from legal representatives within each of these industries compelling us to not publish our findings.

 

Written by: Benjamin Porter — bbporter@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)