Humor: I have invented a new sport: baseball

JAMIE CHEN / AGGIE

I have labeled it “America’s Pastime”

If there is one thing America lacks, it’s sports. We just don’t really have a lot of them! So far we only have foosball… hot-dog eating contests… those prize machines in bowling alleys where you have to use the claw to pick up your prize. Oh, also bowling.

Seeing as we have a meager selection of sports to choose from, I figured I would introduce a new incredible sport completely of my own invention.

I call it “baseball.”

When you read that, I’m sure there’s just no possible way you could ever imagine how such a sport is played.

Well, the first rule is that you can’t use your hands. Just throw that right out. Don’t got hands? Well that’s alright, ‘cause in this one you don’t need ‘em.

The next rule is that you can’t use your feet. I think you see where I’m going with this. Don’t got feet? Great! Knees, however, are necessary for this sport. You better have some goddamn patellas.

Next, cups for folks with penises is very necessary, and a guard for folks with vaginas is also very necessary. Protection is important. Of course by now you know exactly where I’m going with this.

You see, there is in fact a ball in this sport. But no one can touch it with anything except their crotches. Unconventional. Avant garde. Sports are self-expression and this is my canvas.

There are no points, by the way. Or winning. Games are about four hours long and really all you do is knock this ball around. By the way, the ball is made entirely of concrete. I know, I know… this is incredible.

Close your eyes. Picture two teams of six in a dirt pit four feet deep and twenty-by-twenty feet wide and long. All of them are on their knees, sweating and thrusting with their hips wildly at this concrete ball.

Truly, this is what people mean when they talk about how sports can bring out the best in the human spirit. You are welcome.  

 

Written by: Aaron Levins — adlevins@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)