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Friday, December 3, 2021

Humor: Hipster exclusively listens to bands comprised of sexual abusers: “It’s the ultimate underground!”

MELINDA CHEN / AGGIE

Music so underground it’s rotting in jail!

A recent study conducted by The Aggie has found that many music listeners couldn’t care less whether their favorite band is full of abusers and rapists. We talked to one student named Jesse Lacey for his perspective on this recent unmasking of the indie community.

“Well, it’s just that I don’t think we should judge these people, especially if they make really good art,” remarked Lacey, who is in his own band called Brand New Brand New. “In fact, I think we should pay them extra money. A lot of it. I listen to this one band called Brand New Brand New and I think they should be paid a ton of money. Please.”

We talked to another student named Ben Hopkins, who gave us some insight on what they believed were unfair mob trials of justice.

“You know, you get some of these bands getting a couple of accusations and then BOOM. Their entire livelihood is stripped away from them. I mean, it’s just not fair,” remarked Hopkins, who also is involved in a band on the side called Power Bottom. “I listened to this one band called PWR BTTM, and, like, they just had a couple of accusations and everything was taken away. It’s not fair.”

One student, Harvey Weinstein, reflected thusly: “If we re-evaluate the legacies of these bands, that means we have to re-evaluate all of the writers, musicians, actors, painters and film producers of the past. People like David Bowie, Pablo Picasso. Hell, John Steinbeck. And I don’t think it’s fair!” At this point, the interviewee began to stomp his feet petulantly like a child, while tears welled up in his eyes.

Various people in the music community have all agreed that it’s time to go back to when there were no consequences for being a horrible person.

 

Written by: Aaron Levins  — adlevins@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

 

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