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Wednesday, July 28, 2021

Humor: Trump blames “both sides” for death of Saudi journalist

DAVIS WHALEN / AGGIE

Khashoggi “came charging” at the government with criticism

President Donald Trump has come under fire from Democrats and Republicans alike for his response to the murder of journalist and Saudi government critic Jamal Khashoggi.

A reporter asked Mr. Trump to forcefully condemn the Saudis and Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman for what looks increasingly like a brutal, premeditated “murder” of a “journalist.” However, keep in mind that we are only hearing about this because other “journalists” are telling us. Coincidence? Unlikely.

“I think there is blame on both sides,” Trump said. “You had a group on one side that was bad and you had a group on the other side that was also very violent.”

One particularly aggressive member of the Fake News Media, with no sense of irony whatsoever, asked Mr. Trump why he thinks the press is “very violent.”

“What about the fact that this Jafar Kashaggy came charging at the Saudi government with criticism, swinging ideas, does he have a problem?” Trump asked. “If you charge at someone with fake, made up stories, believe me, then you’re maybe to blame if there’s a violent reaction. Maybe if you people, the enemy of the people, didn’t do what you do, then nobody would respond violently to you, that I can tell you, but I’m not going to talk about that.”

When asked to expand upon his remarks, Mr. Trump provided much-needed clarity.

“I said what I said because I — and you know I’m right — say this very strongly, because I said I believe it, and it’s true, believe me,” Trump said. “Stupid question.”

In the face of journalistic hostility, Mr. Trump courageously stuck to his guns, ensuring that the Saudis will also stick to his guns (and to their bone saws), preserving a $110 billion arms deal with American defense contractors. If we had gotten too outraged about the murder of one journalist and cancelled the deal, we could have spurned this great opportunity to be complicit in sowing violence across the globe and murdering thousands more people, like in Saudi Arabia’s war in Yemen.

Mr. Trump has now slightly changed his tone, calling the incident the “worst cover-up,” while CIA Director Gina Haspel has reportedly briefed Trump on the audio recordings of the Saudis carrying out the murder. If Trump continues to change his rhetoric, could it potentially help heal his relationship with journalists and the Fake News Media, turning over a new —

 

***WE INTERRUPT THIS ARTICLE FOR AN IMPORTANT NEWS UPDATE***

Police have found pipe bombs addressed to several prominent critics of Donald Trump, including the Obamas, the Clintons, John Brennan, Joe Biden, Eric Holder, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Cory Booker, James Clapper, Kamala Harris, Maxine Waters, George Soros and Robert De Niro.

After having caved to pressure and calling for “unity” like a weak little baby, Mr. Trump later found his spine.

“A very big part of the Anger we see today in our society is caused by the purposely false and inaccurate reporting of the Mainstream Media that I refer to as Fake News,” Mr. Trump tweeted.

As real Americans who care about protecting freedom of rich people to abuse power both at home and abroad, we should be thankful that our president will bravely, brilliantly and bigly condemn those who incite those who incite violence: the goddamn journalists.

 

Written by: Benjamin Porter — bbporter@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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