Humor: Surviving the off-campus wasteland — Part 2

OLIVIA KOTLAREK / AGGIE

 

A view into the insanity that surrounds sweet, innocent UC Davis

Since the release of our last story on the horrors of off-campus Davis, The California Aggie has reported on several more events occurring in the off-campus wasteland. Whole restaurants shut down by cockroach-rat shapeshifters with an unquenchable hunger for crepes — and blood, probably. A fledgling, street cookie business with a secret ingredient — human matter. Assaults, road and freeway closings, a literal homicide — all somehow more mundane than that last one.

This week, however, we have a shocking development you have to see to believe. Sitting in front of me, at this very moment, is a real-life survivor of the off-campus wasteland.

“My name is Travis Snott, and I’m a survivor of the off-campus wasteland. That’s how you wanted me to say it, yeah? I just want to make sure I’m, you know, I’m getting it right.”

Yes, he got it right, just like we planned. Travis Snott, an 18th-year student at UC Davis, lived in the off-campus wasteland from 1999 to the current year, and now he finally feels safe enough to tell his story.

“So basically, yeah, I was just biking home one day to my apartment on J Street at, I want to say 2 a.m.,” Snott said. “Sure, I had a couple beers, but it was the early 2000s, so that was kind of the only thing to do around here for fun. Anyways, yeah, as I’m approaching J, I hear the sound of bike tires behind me. So I turn around. All I remember is seeing these four bikers — well, technically five, but that couple was bonded at the hip — and wiping out.”

After recounting this story, Snott stated that most of his memory comes in flashes.

“I felt like I was in another world, or maybe just seeing the real world for the first time,” Snott continued. “Davis became an apocalyptic hellscape after that. I mean, Jesus, have you seen the quality of these roads? I got a flat tire after every intersection, and when I went to go fix it, my bike would just be gone when I got back. I did that 20 times before I gave up. Oh, and the cockroaches? I’m surprised Crepeville is the only place to shut down recently, because I’ve conversed with the Five Roach Families and they told me, ‘Pain will be doled where it’s deserved.’ So that’s a thing.”

Snott’s stories confirm many of the rumors we could not support in our last article, such as the Davis Flasher’s Club, which only recently came back to campus in 2015, the underground Sewer Cow Mafia — the original founders of Lazi Cow as a money laundering scheme — and something called “D’vsai,” a real-life Cthulhu in Davis that changes the weather at will. And Snott’s advice for surviving the off-campus wasteland?

“Well, usually what I do is just smoke a lot of weed. But, then again, I don’t know if that necessarily helped. Actually, looking back, that might explain a lot of what happened to me. Anyways, I’ve got to head back. The wasteland calls!”

 

Written by: Conner Shaw — cjshaw@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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