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Monday, December 6, 2021

Humor: Tips and tricks to get through the day as a paid Russian troll

 

CAITLYN SAMPLEY / AGGIE

You’re scrolling through Twitter all day anyway

Perhaps your day job at McDonalds has gotten a little tiresome, and you find the act of angering people online fun. Well, have I got a job for you!

Putin is paying minimum wage for you to go online and just make people mad or scared. All you have to do is make stuff up. Sound good? Well then, here are a few things you should know before you start filling up your drafts with photoshopped pictures of Hillary Clinton burning the American flag.

First, you should always keep a sword with you. This is considered a part of “cyberwarfare.” At any point in time, you run the risk of being sucked into the digital sphere by the CIA (exactly like the movie “Tron”). There, if you aren’t already armed, you’re just hosed. Ya gotta have a sword. The bigger the better. If nothing else, it simply feels good to have a sword on you at all times — both as a phallic symbol and just something badass to have around.

Next, you should probably have a picture of Putin in your room. Could be on your mirror, door, etc. It obviously must have some kind of latent sex appeal (what picture of Putin doesn’t have sex appeal, though?), so you’ll probably wanna pick the one where he’s riding a bear while shirtless. That’s a good one. A very, very good one… mmm…

Okay, I’m back. So I think the final thing you should be aware of is that you don’t really have to try that hard. It’s super easy to make people really mad. Matter of fact, all you have to do is say “Trump” and I guarantee there’ll be a least a couple of folks ready to duke it out in the mentions. It’s not even that people have principles; it’s just that it’s fun to be really mad all the time.

Alright, well, that should get ya started at least. Remember: All you were gonna do is scroll through Twitter anyways. Why not make money doing it?

Written by: Aaron Levins  — adlevins@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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