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Davis, California

Tuesday, August 3, 2021

Humor: “Communism would be easy to implement” says student who has only ever lived in capitalist society

CAITLYN SAMPLEY / AGGIE

Student writes this and other radical statements in personal manifesto-turned-livestream

This week, an anonymous manifesto was released and distributed across the UC Davis campus in support of “the complete and unabashed removal of capitalism” and “the total implementation of communism” in American society. Just this morning, the anonymous writer has revealed herself as first-year Diana Leninsky in a Facebook livestream.

At around 8 a.m., Leninsky began the livestream, but instead of starting immediately, she stared blankly at the screen for around four hours until exactly 1917 people were viewing. She then put down her fourth Leninade, the only food or drink she consumed during the livestream, and proceeded with a monologue.

“My fellow Davis students,” she lamented, “I wanted to wait until the number of viewers matched the original year of the Bolshevik’s triumphant and peaceful uprising against the Russian government. Capitalism is a plague on our society and we need to remove it immediately. I know that sounds difficult, but trust me, the process will be super simple.”

Leninsky continued the livestream for another four hours, only pausing her speech to grab another Leninade from the large fridge in her room. The speech included several references to the “capitalist-gentrified” city Davis is becoming. Jump Bikes were called a “means of enslaving the poor through transportation” and Leninsky called for their “immediate burning regardless of the environmental impact.”

She also focused on housing in Davis, calling for a restructuring of the housing system that would be fair to everyone. This made nearly perfect sense until she stated her full plan, which involved forcing students, faculty and administrators to all live in cooperative living situations with shared farming as the only food source and no personal computers, vehicles or shampoo.

“If we put these cooperative situations in place, eventually everyone will need to comply and readily accept that this is better for them,” Leninsky stated. “Everyone will be happier knowing they’re no longer supporting capitalist institutions by buying into massive food corporations or oppressive industries. Why buy chicken instantly from the store when you can wait several months to raise one? Why should everyone have an iPhone when we can get by with one for every ten people? It’s just that simple.”

At hour nine into the livestream, Leninsky left to restock her fridge with warm Leninades. Her room revealed a swath of expensive material possessions, such as a 55-inch 4K television, a closet full of designer clothes, a handbag collection and a kombucha vending machine. Leninsky returned guzzling another Leninade.

“So yeah, communism would be really easy. I know we’re all used to capitalism, but people will part with a lot if we just nudge them in the right direction. And it’s a learning process. Like, I just learned about communism myself in my global humanities class this quarter.”

 

Written by: Conner Shaw — cjshaw@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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