Now that’s how you do the First Amendment!
Recent reports revealed that the wildfires that devastated towns like Pleasure, California were not, in fact, caused by climate change or poor forest management — they were actually started by a brave pro-Trump activist as a form of protest against California’s poor forest management.
The heroic activist, Frank Leonid E. Ottikaz-Hatte, claimed that he started the fires to demonstrate to lazy Californians just how dangerous their forest management strategies are.
“If California doesn’t clean up its act fast, it risks causing horrible, devastating fires with its poor forest management,” Ottikaz-Hatte said.
California’s poor forest management (an absolute disaster, a total mess) is the leading cause of wildfires, being responsible for 11 out of every 10 deadly, fast-spreading fires that could otherwise be attributed to extreme aridity as a result of climate change. This is why Ottikaz-Hatte felt obligated to raise awareness.
“Shouldn’t you be raking?” Ottikaz-Hatte said to pushy “reporters,” quoting one of his many custom T-shirts intended to promote climate change skepticism.
Since the Global Climate Change Alarmismists in the Leftstream Fake News Media have claimed that extreme weather events and unpredictable precipitation patterns linked to climate change likely played a role in the rapid spread of the Camp, Woolsey and Hill Fires, President Trump made sure to assert very strongly and powerfully that poor forest management was definitely to blame. (It is a known fact that, when people assert things very strongly and powerfully, they are definitely telling the truth.)
While cynics and skeptics suffering from Trump Derangement Syndrome have agreed that there is room for improvement when it comes to forest management strategies, they have cast doubt on President Trump for waiting until a fire crisis to spring his genius insights about forest management on the general public.
The “journalists” claim that Trump was oblivious on the topic of forest management until he learned that he could exploit the disaster for political gain by casting doubt on climate change, when in fact, he was informed the whole time and was simply waiting for the perfect moment to exploit a disaster for maximum political gain by casting doubt on climate change.
This is a genius play because, not only does it absolve Trump’s climate change-denying allies of responsibility, it also puts all blame for the fires squarely where it belongs — on the lazy Californians, or “victims,” who refuse to rake their way to a Great Climate.
President Trump did not acknowledge intelligence reports linking Ottikaz-Hatte to the fires, not wanting to share credit for calling out the forest management problem.
“Frank is a great guy and would not do this, people are saying he’s a class act, and believe me, I know Frank,” President Trump said. “I met him at one of my rallies.”
However, when social media posts emerged in which Ottikaz-Hatte said Trump’s violent rhetoric and climate skepticism inspired him, Trump distanced himself.
“Look, I don’t know this Frank person — ahh — I don’t know what I said, I don’t remember!” Trump said.
Written by: Benjamin Porter — firstname.lastname@example.org
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)