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Sunday, April 14, 2024

Humor: Student engages in chess match, banjo duel, game of wits with Satan in battle for GPA


The devil went down to Wellman 2

For one student, getting the grades they need for grad school wasn’t a matter of hard work. Instead, it was a matter of besting the King of Air himself in a series of traditional duels: the usual good ole fashioned Satanic chess match, banjo duel and game of wits.

“Before, getting good grades was a matter of hard work,” said second-year computer science major Max Sydow. “And I already knew that wasn’t gonna happen. So instead, I decided that I’d hit up Satan with a casual seance and see what’s up with him. I heard you can either sell your soul or best him with banjos, so obviously I opened up a few YouTube tutorials and got cookin’. I’m nearly as good as Steve Martin at this point. As for the chess game, I’m just gonna wing it. I don’t think it could be much harder than checkers, and frankly I would always beat my little brother Johnny at that. Granted, he’s six, but still. And for the game of wits, I’ve already got a great riddle or two lined up. I’m certain he hasn’t heard the one about the newspapers.”

When asked whether he could have simply invested the time spent learning the banjo into coding and studying for midterms, Sydow just shrugged.

“I mean, yeah, I guess you’re right. But I get a lot more out of putting off my future than embracing it. Anyways, who wouldn’t love to banjo duel Satan?”

Since the writing of this article, it seems that Sydow has completely disappeared off of this mortal realm. His GPA has also disappeared. We were able to reach Sydow for comment as he was spending eternity in the black gaping darkness of hell.

“Was it worth it? you ask. I’d say yeah. I mean, sure, I’m stuck here in hell. But at least I don’t need to study for midterms.”

Written by: Aaron Levins  — adlevins@ucdavis.edu
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)


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