Probably the most shocking thing to come out of this year so far
In a freak accident of inexplicable proportions, the Unitrans B Line arrived at the Memorial Union perfectly on time during the 1 p.m. bus rush today.
“I don’t know how to describe what it’s like to get here on time for once,” described Deanya Later, the bus driver at the time of the incident. “But I’ll just say now that this wasn’t supposed to happen. I think an accident on this scale could affect the cosmos itself.”
Bus driver Later was a last-minute cover for the B line after the original driver, who just goes by “The Licktitious,” called in sick.
“Usually, the B line is supposed to be late,” Later continued. “Too many people take the B every day, so when a driver starts on that route, they’re told explicitly to make students as late as possible in order to discourage them from getting on in the future. I thought I was following that directive as well as I could, but apparently not.”
Later later told The California Aggie about a few methods Unitrans used to force a late arrival, which makes this story even more remarkable. They stopped at every stop, waited for potential stragglers, even picked up three people in wheelchairs. Perhaps the most blinding, shocking insanity to come out of this testimony? It was also raining.
According to witnesses, the B line was so packed that some people were forced to not only remove their backpacks, but also their coats to make more room. Students on the bus at the time reported that, at one point, the B remained stationary for 20 minutes while the driver yelled, “If I could have everyone please move back behind the yellow line” over the lull of passengers, who apparently had no idea that they need to move for more people to get on the bus and therefore continued to not move behind the line “or at all.” This lead to a slew of uncomfortable shuffling and looking around in dumbfounded confusion.
But even with all of this — in addition to the B hitting every light, stop sign and yield possible and Later filing accident reports for every scraped tree and near-missed curb — the bus still managed to arrive at its stop on time.
Unitrans issued a statement regarding the incident just a few hours afterward.
“We are aware that the B line, our usually latest bus line, somehow managed to get students to class on time during the afternoon rush. Rest assured, we will do everything in our power to make sure this will not establish a new paradigm for the B line, and an incident such as this will never happen again. Unitrans wants to ensure that the B line remains firmly in its space-time orientation, which means being late when students need it most.”
Written by: Conner Shaw — firstname.lastname@example.org
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)