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Wednesday, December 1, 2021

Humor: Unitrans J Line skips Alvarado stop to avoid opening top floor of double decker

TESSA KOGA / AGGIE

“This bus is no longer in service. Have a good one!”

In a monumental decision by first-year bus driver Buster Buseman, the Unitrans J Line skipped the major Alvarado stop on Tuesday morning to avoid opening the top layer of the double decker bus. The decision was made with pressure from Buseman’s charlie at the time, Charlie Barkley.

“Well, it started off just like any other morning driving the J,” Buseman said. Barkley sat beside him, periodically meeting Buseman’s gaze intensely after insisting on being part of the interview process as Buseman’s “charlie, friend and lawyer.” The California Aggie is currently investigating whether this is grounds for intimidation. After one of these exchanges and a wide-eyed stare at the ground lasting at least 30 seconds, Buseman continued.

“The stop before North Sycamore, everyone got off the bus, and I thought maybe we could have an easy morning for once. But when we turned the corner for North Sycamore, that fledgeling hope was shattered. There were at least 20 people standing there waiting to get on the bus. Then 11 more at the next stop, and 13.5 at the next. By the time we got to Alvarado and Sycamore, people were already standing.”

At this point in the interview, Barkley handed Buseman a note. Buseman read it and began sweating beneath his shirt before tearing up the note and eating the pieces. He continued once again.

“And that’s all I have to say, other than I did what I had to in order to protect my fellow students and the integrity of Unitrans.” Both Buseman and Barkley refused to comment further.

Fortunately, The Aggie had two undercover journalists, one at the stop in question and one on the J at the time, conducting an unrelated investigation. Their testimony follows here:

“As we approached the Alvarado stop, several standing students asked the charlie (Barkley) if they could open the top deck, as the entire bus could see the crowd of students waiting at the next stop. The charlie refused to cooperate, screeching above the engine, ‘I’m sorry, but I’m not going to do that and you’re not the boss of me.’ The charlie then looked at the driver (Buseman) and whispered, ‘Do it’ menacingly. The driver then turned on the “Not In Service” sign and drove past the stop, leaving at least 40 students behind. There was no follow-up bus.”

We requested another interview with Buseman to clarify this report, but he denied our request, citing a “bus-related family emergency.” Barkley, although denying our request, gave a statement by email.

“Alright, listen here,” the email read. “You really don’t understand what you’re getting into here. First of all, the strap that holds back those beasts from entering the top deck is literally the most difficult thing to undo. It takes precise motor skills and my entire body’s strength every time. Would you want to tear your muscles every time a sweaty, unshowered second-year with earbuds blasting Juice Wrld asks if you can open the top deck? We don’t even like having people up there. Unitrans only has the double decker buses to look cool. They’re hardly functional as is. If you know what’s good for you, stop asking questions you don’t want to know the answer to. You’re on strike two already.”

Written by: Conner Shaw — cjshaw@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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