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Davis, California

Monday, August 2, 2021

Humor: Unitrans switches to really long tandem bikes instead of buses

If Noah had used this bike during the flood, he could have fit three of every animal

After relentless harping by CALPIRG, Unitrans switched to using long tandem bicycles for transporting the good people of Davis.

This wheely large undertaking did hit some proverbial bumps in the road. The average Unitrans bus was able to fit 100 riders if they packed together sardine style. Mr. Otto Mobile, the head of Unitrans, spoke with The Aggie about the difficulty of creating a bike that could transport the same amount of commuters.

“They said it couldn’t be done,” Mobile admitted. “I called every major bike company to see if they could manufacture our Unitrans bikes, and they said that I’m ‘insane’ or, ‘It’s impossible to make a bike for 100 people,’ or ‘Sir, this is the number for Pizza Hut customer service.’ But I thought of my idol, Miranda Sings, and told my haterz to back off. We kept making calls ‘til we got to the very top. Yes, we called the President and asked him if we could get some military-grade, 100-person bikes. He said it was the best idea he had heard all day!”

And thus, the Bikehemoth was born.

We asked Bryce Sickle, an employee of Unitrans, for her opinion on the new mode of transportation.

“It’s been a little tough getting used to it,” Sickle said, shrugging. “I was a bus driver before, but now I’m a…uh…bike…driver? I sit in the very front seat and shout which direction we’re turning when we get to an intersection. You’d be surprised how hard it is to go right on a bike that’s the size of a football field. And during those pesky peak hours, we have passengers sit on the shoulders of someone else and pray to the bike gods that neither of them tip over. We have capsized a few times, but that’s what happens when there’s enough people to fill Wellman 2 on one bike.”

Most students are happy with the change.

“I feel like I’m really doing something for the environment here,” said one Unitrans patron. “Sure, my ride from West Village to campus takes, like, an hour now. But think of the future we’re creating for all those starving polar bears in Antarctica by getting rid of all those bus fumes.”

Written by: Madeline Kumagai — mskumagai@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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