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Monday, April 15, 2024

Humor: What your Smash main says about you

The list is just as unorganized as the character select menu

Super Smash Bros. Ultimate is unquestionably the most inclusive Smash game yet, possibly even the best Smash game released (apart from their menus — literally why did they decide to make the most irritating changes they could?). All of us who like to settle our problems through Smash know that there’s one character we each hold dear — our favorite, best or most troll-worthy. Our main. As your premiere authority on Smash in Yolo County, I’ve written a little list that I hope you will enjoy and will not get me sued by Nintendo: What your Smash main says about you.

Ice Climbers — Let’s just say the Lannisters approve

Piranha Plant — Most of your YouTube comments consist of “first”

Inkling — You’re either a squid or a kid

Sheik — You’re still holding on to the past when there are so many newer opportunities

Megaman — After you’re jumpin’, you’re probably gonna do some shootin’

Donkey Kong — The eyes… just don’t look him in the eyes!

Kirby — Constantly in need of that gud succ

Mii Brawler/Gunner/Swordfighter — You need to show your art to the world, but maybe you shouldn’t

Wii Fit Trainer — You’re compensating for your own lack of stretching

Sonic — Be honest: How much do you browse DeviantArt?

Ryu — You still just button mash until the bad man goes away

Ken — The hipster version of Ryu, except you swear your button-mashing is better

Rosalina and Luma — Refer to The Weeknd’s “Starboy”

Zero Suit Samus — You had your sexual awakening through video games

Samus — You enjoy screwing people (out of the win)

Dark Samus — What did I just say?

Villager — You enjoy being Satan incarnate

Isabelle — You enjoy being Satan’s little pet Cerberus

Fox — Your movement consists of mostly barrel rolls to the right

Falco — Your movement consists of mostly barrel rolls to the left

Wolf — You try to do a barrel roll, but just end up helpless off the stage

Pikachu — You’ve been that one down-B spammer guy for too long

Pichu — Just the tryhard version of Pikachu

Meta Knight — Edgelord supreme since 2008

King K. Rool — Edgeguard supreme since 2018

Lucario — You’ve finally come to terms with your breakup with Mewtwo

Mewtwo — You never gave up on your first love

Yoshi — Most friends have a love-hate relationship with you

Ness — You wish you could juggle in real life as well as you do in the game

Lucas — You gave up on juggling and prefer to just float around

Jigglypuff — You need to calm down and get some rest

Mario — The OG, tried and true is the only thing for you

Dr. Mario — The same as Mario, except you wasted your time on a useless Ph.D

Marth — People call you straight edge and to the point

Roy — Loud and proud

Lucina — Constantly trying to prove how good you actually are

Chrom — Same as Lucina, except you don’t want to try as hard

Robin — You still need to ask friends for help all the time

Ike — You used to fight for your friends, but now you just fight with your friends

Link — You name all your Legend of Zelda Characters Lonk

Young Link — You’re convinced the Gamecube controller should be used for every game

Toon Link — In a constant state of middle child syndrome

Mr. Game & Watch — You’re constantly hammered and throwing your meat around

Cloud — You still think trench coats and sleeveless turtlenecks are fashion statements

Pokemon Trainer — The most indecisive person

Snake — The concept of object permanence is lost on you

Wario — WAAAAAAHAAAAA (also, you’re very gassy)

King Dedede — Human trollface

Greninja — You have a constant oral fixation

Pac-Man — You’re constantly losing your keys

Luigi — People who bullied you in high school should watch out now

Peach — You act like a damsel in distress to get what you want

Daisy — Did I stutter?

Captain Falcon — You’re always the designated driver

Bowser — Anytime you’re losing, you make sure no one else is having fun anymore

Bowser Jr. — You’re just. Like. Your father!

Zelda — You were never the damsel in distress, just the artsy one who drew doodles and cosplayed

Ganondorf — There is no 100 percent around you

Pit — She tells you not to worry about other guys

Dark Pit — She tells guys not to worry about you

Diddy Kong — The MacGyver of the group, but you still can’t manage to pick up your trash

Olimar — You microdose LSD and have just accepted your role as The Plant King

R.O.B. — You make sure everyone knows you’re the real Nintendo fanboy

Little Mac — Getting gimped is your kink

Palutena — Not as innocent as you look

Shulk — Your accent only comes out when you’re angry

Duck Hunt — Constantly confused as to why you’re even here, but fun at parties

Corrin — You can’t do anything but be counter to what other people do

Bayonetta — Everything’s up in the air for you

Ridley — Most likely to “YEET” in any given situation

Simon — Moderator of Dank Christian Memes

Richter — Moderator of Dank Christian Memes for Devout Christian Teens

Incineroar — Always throwing shit around

Written by: Conner Shaw — cjshaw@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)


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