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Thursday, April 18, 2024

Humor: Woman with crush on Ted Bundy has deathly fear of ladybugs

President of the Bundy fan club shares her undying love

It seems as though everyone these days is buzzing about Bundy. In an effort to stay hip with the kids, The California Aggie secured an interview with Siri Ullman, president of the Ted Bundy fan club. We asked Ullman for her opinion on the media’s recent obsession with the famed serial killer.

“I’m just glad people are finally recognizing my dear Teddy’s impact on society,” Ullman swooned. “The fact that it took this long for people to take an interest in Bundy — now that’s the true crime. I was obsessed with him before it was cool. But of corpse, er, of course I am dying to share my love of Ted with everyone else.”

Ullman showed us her Bundy collectibles, including pins, photographs and restraining orders from Bundy’s daughter.

We asked Ullman for her opinion on the controversial casting of Zac Efron in the upcoming Bundy biopic.

“I think Zac is the perfect actor to play Ted! Ted was known for his good looks, and I think Efron’s got the face and acting skills to give a heart-stopping performance. I’m sure he’ll take our breath away. I don’t see a problem with Zac Efron being too buff, either. My Teddy was a real strong guy. I wish he was still around today, so he could protect me from…” Ullman’s voice trailed off, and she shivered before continuing: “…from them.”

“From whom?”

At that moment, Ullman let out a bloodcurdling scream and pointed behind us.


Two ladybugs had landed on the windowpane and were milling about the glass.

“Those are the devil’s creatures,” Ullman whispered. “They are extremely wicked, shockingly evil and vile!”

We asked Ullman how she became a lady bugged by ladybugs.

“It all started in the first grade. I was reading ‘The Grouchy Ladybug,’ and I found out that ladybugs murder and eat dozens of aphids for their own gratification. The horror! Can you imagine how all those poor little aphids felt, being the victims of said buggy’s lunch? Think of their families! They’ll never see their aphid daughters ever again!”

“Oh, and before I forget, go see the new Bundy flick. I’m sure it’s going to be very accurate to how Ted really was. I really hope he takes his shirt off, so we can see some killer abs!”

Written by: Madeline Kumagai — mskumagai@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)


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