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Sunday, October 17, 2021

Humor: Liam Neeson proves he’s not racist by vividly recalling a racist moment in his life

“If you’re black, I will find you and I will kill you”

As if Black History Month couldn’t get any better, it looks like the 66-year-old star of “Taken,” Liam Neeson, mistook his press interview with The Independent for a Catholic confessional when he told the world he once looked for a random black man to murder.

“And I did it for maybe a week. Hoping some black bastard would come out of the pub and have a go at me,” he said.

These were the exact words that came out of Neeson’s babbling mouth when the interviewer asked him how his week was going.

“Black bastard” was spat with a hard “B” almost as if he wanted to replace that word with n— never mind. The funny thing about the random confession is that this thrilling event happened at a time when social media wasn’t yet invented, meaning that the “mayonnaise legend” could have lived the rest of his life without social media detectives catching on. Clearly, Neeson’s particular set of skills includes self-sabotage and racial profiling.

Can you imagine being black and walking past Liam Neeson in the 80s, in Northern Ireland, of all places? The two or three black people in Northern Ireland probably assumed that Neeson was on that good-ole Irish heroin, and that he must have mistaken them for his dealers — because all black men were drug dealers, just like all black men were rapists, just like all black men look alike according to Neeson’s angered thought process.

On the bright side, Neeson seems to be using this particular set of skills to produce great movies like: “Taken 1–10: Which One of These Black Bastards Kidnapped My Daughter???”; “The Commuter: Which One of You Black Bastards Do I Have To Beat Up to Solve This Mystery????”; and “Cold Pursuit: The Intoxicating Pursuit of The Black Bastard.”

To play white devil’s advocate, if Neeson confessed his bastard-hunting story on a platform like the “Oprah Winfrey Show,” while also crying and drinking tea from a flask, he would probably be forgiven and be allowed to act in as many revenge movies as he pleases. Instead, he decided to have a “That’s-So-Raven” moment into the past at a press interview on a random Tuesday — all after he glanced at the TV and saw Trevor Noah speak about how bad that kiss with Viola Davis was.

Written By: Hilary Ojinnaka — hiojinnaka@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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