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Davis, California

Saturday, April 20, 2024

Humor: New vegan moms are convinced their own organic breast milk is toxic for their newborns

Vegans are at it again

This new age vegan religion never ceases to amaze me. From trying to disguise cauliflower as chicken wings to creating chicken-flavored soy milk, vegans have always been a bit nutty in the head if you ask me. (Get it? “Nutty”? Because they love them some good ol’ nuts.)

A piece of tofu will never taste as good as a delectable piece of greasy meat. I mean, the vegan community should care about the consent of fruits and vegetables as well. Cauliflower Lives Matter too — #CLM.

Now that I got that out of the way, I can finally get to the meat — or dare I say, tofu — of the matter. What happens when pushy plant-based vegans push their vegan religious lifestyle on their five-month-old baby?!

According to the Miami Herald, a young Floridian couple was charged with child neglect after the mother refused to feed her baby with her own breast milk because she believed the female body is an animal — so, if her baby drank from her tit, it would automatically disqualify her baby from vegan heaven. That poor baby was found with sunken eyes, loose skin and exposed bones. This is not the #bodygoals you should set on a five-month-old baby.

Instead of using the doctor’s vegan formula, the couple gave their baby a potato-based compound that they found on YouTube. At first I assumed this story was fake, but considering that this story came from Florida, it all makes sense now.

After five months of vegan hell, that baby finally received justice when the Floridian couple was arrested. Reports say that the baby has been demanding fall-off-the-bone baby back ribs as well as 100 percent whole milk straight from the cow’s tit.

Written By: Hilary Ojinnaka — hiojinnaka@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)


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