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Tuesday, April 23, 2024

Humor: Little Caesar’s celebrates Ides of March with collectible knives stabbed into every pizza

Caesar wasn’t HOT-N-READY for impalement, but this pizza is!

What’s better than getting a large pepperoni pizza to celebrate the brutal murder of history’s favorite dictator? Getting a free knife as well! That’s right, the brains behind your favorite I’m-drunk-and-it’s-2-a.m. pizzeria chain are giving away collectible knives with the purchase of every pie on Mar. 15.

Everyone knows that all Little Caesars employees are big history buffs, so chefs are painstakingly recreating the day Julius Caesar should have called in sick for work. When you first open the box, you’ll realize that the employees didn’t put any of the toppings you wanted on the pizza. You’ll feel betrayed, and then you’ll realize you could never feel more betrayed than Caesar when he saw Brutus pull out a dagger. Et tu, pepperoni?

If you’re intolerant of the ol’ lactose, that’s even better. This pizza is extra cheesy, and you’ll feel like the mozzarella is skewering you right in the gut, Caesar style. Marinara is haphazardly sprayed onto the pie to recreate that spurt-of-blood-from-being-stabbed-by-an-entire-Senate look. This flavor profile is so tasty, it’s to die for.

Don’t get it twisted: this pizza was not made with love, like the normal Little Caesars fodder. It was crafted with a seething hatred for totalitarian, un-democratic methods of governance. Seething hatred, and a blend of Italian herbs and spices. There are 60 different variants of collectible knives, one knife for every co-conspirator! Now, employees only stab one of these knives into the heart of each pizza, so be sure to spend your rent money on collecting as many as possible.

The California Aggie recommends that you order this sweet deal to fuel a late night of completing, by yourself, what was supposed to be a group project. As you sob into the thick crust, you can think about how your group members abandoned you to go to a rave in Sacramento. Now that’s what I call backstabbing!

Written by: Madeline Kumagai — mskumagai@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)


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