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Davis, California

Tuesday, May 28, 2024

Humor: Davis student uses Hydro Flask to fight off angry turkeys

Turkeys gone wild

Now I know you read the headline thinking this is some desperate attempt to promote the wildlife here at Davis or a smear campaign against the over-hyped and depressingly expensive Hydro Flask, but that’s an article for another week.

I’m here to tell you about the modern-day David versus Goliath battle. Yes, the angry Davis turkeys against a stressed-out Davis student who just so happened to have a Hydro Flask in hand. The Hydro Flask was custom-made and bedazzled, rumored to hold 80 ounces of pure Acqua di Cristallo Tributo a Modigliani water.

But as the student came out of a meeting they had with a Gary May cardboard cutout, he noticed several turkeys slowly waddling toward him, as if they were sizing him up for their own personal pleasures. Thankfully, the student remembered a few signs from the Bike Barn that offered tips on how to handle such a fowl situation:

Tip #1: Mind your own business. Turkeys can sense when you’re thinking about how nice they would look on your Thanksgiving plate.

Tip #2: Perform the “Macarena.” The bird-like movements paired with horrible coordination should scare off the turkeys.

Tip #3: If the turkeys fly toward your face, grab both of their wings and catapult them into the sunset.

Unfortunately for this particular Davis student, these helpful tips only piqued the wild gang of turkeys. The student only had two choices at this point: run and get stomped out by a bunch of wild turkeys or stay and show those turkeys who’s the bravest hen in the barn.

With a Hydro Flask in one hand and a bike ticket in the other, the student did what most people who own a Hydro Flask do at least ten times a day — he dropped his Hydro Flask on that cold blacktop concrete with the confidence of a student who successfully cheated on a midterm. Once they heard that deafening sound of the Hydro Flask, the gang of turkeys flew away in a hurry.

As legend has it, the student originally planned to throw a bike ticket at the gang of turkeys and run.

Written by: Hilary Ojinnaka — hiojinnaka@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)


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