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Davis, California

Friday, May 24, 2024

Humor: Local germaphobe/health guru dies grisly, unsanitary death after contracting infection from soap dispenser at vegan cooking retreat

Avert your eyes, and anything else that can contract infection

D. Finn Kumquat was quite successful as an avocado — f***ing hell, excuse me, I’m sorry — was quite successful as an advocate of the health food movement. He spent decades serving the local community from his private practice as a “licensed” diet, health, wellness, motivation and primary personal companion plant positivity consulting professional.

It is with heavy hearts that we relay the sad news that D. Kumquat passed away this past weekend after an unlikely series of freak coincidences, none of which were preventable by his healthy lifestyle and extreme germaphobic tendencies.

For six months, D. Kumquat had been living in virtual isolation with several other health food aficionados at a vegan cooking retreat at a Freeganist grass-fed, cage-free, free-range, GMO-free, pesticide-free, certified transitional cooperative farm on the California coast.

A few Meatless Mondays ago, during an artisanal probiotic juicing class, D. Kumquat accidentally sliced his hand while cleaning the blade of his spiralizer. He lost concentration because a classmate, Annie Yocksidance, tripped over the compost bin, spilling a bowl of passion fruit, açaí berries and other superfoods all over the room while Teacher Quinua Aquafaba answered questions on differences between the Whole 30, keto, paleo, vegan, gluten-free, raw-food, vegetarian, fruitarian, flexitarian, pescatarian and pesca-pescatarian diets.

D. Kumquat immediately ran to the restroom to clean the wound, taking every precaution to prevent infection. This was his fatal mistake. Cole Estheral had just left the restroom after a mud bath, leaving grime on the soap dispenser, and out of habit D. Kumquat began furiously pumping the soap dispenser with his injured hand, allowing germs to enter the wound. A lifetime of germaphobic habits had left him with a weak immune system that allowed the infection to fester.

For the next week, he did a detox cleanse, engaging in some much needed LTC, using essential oils for aromatherapy and maintaining his CR by eating only an AI of GRAS foods, like kombucha and ACV dressing, all while tracking his BMI, ADME, calories and CALERIE. Alas, the infection prevailed, taking a gruesome toll on his overly purified and sanitized body.

While D. Kumquat never introduced himself as “Dr. Kumquat,” most people came to believe that the “D” did indeed stand for “Dr.” and that he just went by “D” to demonstrate his great humility. Unfortunately, the secret of whether or not he actually was a qualified doctor will go with him to the grave — well, actually, to his biodegradable burial pod that will eventually turn his body into a tree (unfortunately there was a mix-up and he will instead become a persimmon tree rather than a kumquat tree, as he requested).

Nonetheless, we will always have confidence in his medical competence because of the giant inflatable carrot on his office roof, the neon “HEALTH GURU” window sign and the official-looking framed documents on his wall that were possibly diplomas from some prestigious online university.

*Acronym and Abbreviation Guide for those persons actively disengaged from engagement in Earth-positive personal dietary practices: GMO (Genetically Modified Organisms); LTC (long-term care); CR (Caloric Restriction); AI (Adequate Intake); GRAS (Generally Recognized as Safe); ACV (Apple Cider Vinegar); BMI (Body Mass Index); ADME (Absorption, Distribution, Metabolism, Excretion); CALERIE (Comprehensive Assessment of Long-Term Effects of Reducing Intake of Energy); D (Doctor).

Written by: Benjamin Porter— bbporter@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)


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