Photo Credits: CAITLYN SAMPLEY / AGGIE
Product has been successful beyond be-leaf
Ahhhh, Spring Quarter! It’s a wonderful time to get outside and witness nature at its finest. The bees are buzzing, the sun is shining and the frat boys are engaging in a game of beer die on their lawns.
And, of course, there’s them.
Those trees with the malodorous, white blossoms.
You know which ones I’m talking about. You may be thinking, “Hey, aren’t you talking about the smelly cu—”
Yes, I am.
That colloquialism, however, is not appropriate for a school publication, so you will have to make do with the euphemism I have chosen. If you have never had the distinct displeasure to cross paths with these odious, odiferous blooms, all you need to know is that they smell like moist mushrooms left to ripen in a middle schooler’s gym sock.
But fear not! The researchers in UC Davis’ top-ranked plant sciences program have found a solution to this putrid perfume.
Introducing the new Treeodorant, made in partnership with the brand Axe. If you’re walking to class and start to smell eau de sperme, grab your stick of Treeodorant and rub it on the trunk of the offending tree. The combination of chemicals was specifically designed by plant scientist Dr. Manny Flowers to mask the floral funk.
“It took a long period of testing and many trials to finally perfect Treeodorant,” Dr. Flowers said. “We had to use high-concentration perfumes to mask that, erm, unique smell. It was difficult coming to lab every day. You hate how the blooms smell? Imagine what it’s like sitting in a hot, cramped greenhouse filled with those lil’ white demons. But I made myself do it, for science, and for the good of allergy-ridden Aggies everywhere. The final formula is strong enough to mask the scent of a corpse plant!”
“We’ve also had unpaid suckers — I mean student researchers — test Treeodorant on campus. They all agreed that the product masked the plant B.O. perfectly,” Dr. Flowers continued.
Since the smelly white trees are dioecious, their flowers have both male and female reproductive organs. Treeodorant comes in two varieties, one for the male parts of the flower and one for the female parts. The female Treeodorant costs twice as much and comes in patronizingly pink, floral packaging. You can find Treeodorant anywhere that Aggie merchandise is sold!
Written by: Madeline Kumagai — firstname.lastname@example.org
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)