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Davis, California

Monday, April 22, 2024

Humor: National Hockey League using BioBrew cookies as pucks

Half-baked idea, or stroke of genius?

Ha Kee Pak, president of the National Hockey League, shocked the hockey fandom this week with his announcement that the league would be changing its regulation pucks to something a little sweeter.

Pak, frustrated by the tendency of traditional pucks to crack after powerful slapshots, made the executive decision to switch to a different manufacturer: UC Davis’ BioBrew coffee shop, located on the first floor of the Sciences Lab Building. Why a coffee shop, you ask? It’s a fact known far and wide among Aggies that BioBrew’s cookies are the hardest material known to man, outranking even diamonds on the Mohs scale.

These cookies seem innocent at first. For $1, hungry Aggies can pick up varieties ranging from peanut butter-chocolate chip to oatmeal raisin. This is quite the deal, especially when compared to the bank-breaking prices of the nearby Silo market and food trucks. But with these cookies, you get what you pay for. And what you’re paying for is a trip to the dentist to get a chipped tooth fixed. UC Davis fourth-year Stheven Lispsky recounts the time he got his just desserts.

“I wehnt to Bio Bwew to owdew shome coffee and get a schnack befow my micwobiowogy wab,” said Lispsky. “I saw a shoogah cookie that wooked pawticulahly dewishious. Next thing I knew, I wahs missin’ my two fwont teef! Gee, if I could onwy have my two fwont teeth, then I could wish you ‘Mewwy Whole Earth Festival.’”

Lispsky’s heart-wrenching story caught Pak’s attention.

“If these maltodextrin monstrosities could lead to $200 of dental work, imagine what they could do in the rink!” raved Pak.

Stanley Cupinsky, a goaltender for the San Jose Sharks, already has some experience with these pyranose pucks. Cupinsky showed off the massive bruises he acquired from Friday’s game against the Anaheim Ducks.

“This one right here,” Cupinsky said, pointing to a pulsating welt, “came from a snickerdoodle! My teammates were yelling ‘Duck!’ And I said, ‘Yes, I know we’re playing the Ducks.’ That’s all I remember. I woke up in the hospital the next day. Prognosis was a concussion caused by a catastrophic confection.”

Other than this minor accident, Pak remains hopeful for the future of the NHL.

“I’d like to thank BioBrew for making these rock-solid cookies. I’m looking forward to the sweet victories ahead.”

Written by: Madeline Kumagai — mskumagai@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)


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