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Wednesday, April 17, 2024

Humor: An investigation into the vast and extremely successful conspiracy to cover-up Amish cybercrime

Exposing possibly the biggest ruse in history

For the better part of the last decade, The California Aggie has been carrying out a highly sensitive investigation into one of the largest conspiracies ever. For years, the Amish people have managed to maintain the image that they do not use any of the conveniences of modern technology.

However, we have obtained records that show that they in fact have an extensive network of computer hackers, running an international cybercrime syndicate. The main goal of this scheme has been to pay for mechanized farming equipment and vaccines with money that has been electronically stolen so it would be more difficult to trace. Using these conveniences goes against their traditional practices, so revealing this information would destroy their carefully-crafted mystique.

Additionally, the knowledge that the Amish have actually been using vaccines to protect against recent measles outbreaks would make their public anti-vaccine stance seem very hypocritical. We have reason to believe that the Amish have been manipulating the anti-vaxxer community for PR purposes. This line of reporting is spotty, however, because we have lost contact with over a dozen reporters who have gone to Amish colonies to investigate. It is believed that they joined the Amish to become “seekers,” or converted outsiders who have become part of the electronic money stealing scheme. This would be a 100000110000000000000011101010100101010010100101001010010101010101001010010 10010101010100101001010010011010100111111111111111101101010010100101010010100100101011011001010100010110110111010101111101001111100100100101011111010010101010101010100110100100101010

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The Amish are a peaceful and pastoral people. We have no knowledge whatsoever of a computer-hacking and cybercrime conspiracy. We do not use computers. This is a carefully-orchestrated smear campaign from bigoted writers at The Aggie, like Nick Irvin, intended to sully our reputation. Please read this excerpt from an informational webpage called Wikipedia that we frequently update:

The Amish (/ˈɑːmɪʃ/; Pennsylvania German: Amisch, German: Amische) are a group of traditionalist Christian church fellowships with Swiss German Anabaptist origins. They are closely related to, but distinct from, Mennonite churches. The Amish are known for simple living, plain dress, and reluctance to adopt many conveniences of modern technology.

If you wish to join or visit an Amish colony, please email our representatives at Expedia.

Written by: Benjamin Porter — bbporter@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)


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