Patrons say it’s the best meal they’ve ever served
In preparation for the most anticipated weekend of the year, the UC Davis Dining Commons decided to rock the boat with its most recent themed meal. Instead of the typical themes, like Star Wars or Harry Potter, the brains behind grape-and-bleu-cheese pizza went for a houseboats-inspired smorgasbord.
For the parents reading this, scratching your heads and saying, “Houseboats? Never heard of her,” I am here to tell you that you yourself probably went to Houseboats. You likely had a little too much of the blood of Christ that weekend to remember.
Just like the Harry Potter meal, the DCs were adorned with festive decorations for this event. Draped over the backs of chairs were authentic Houseboats beach towels, full of stains of unknown origin. Towards the back of each DC sat kiddie pools full of brown lake water, complete with freshwater microbiota. Each table had centerpieces of empty beer cans in every shape, size and color. But that’s enough about the decorations; it’s time for the food.
Every stall served the same meal: a single, microwavable chicken sandwich with a can of Natty Light. Even the vegan stall prepared chicken between slices of white bread plus a bottle of fermented grain juice to wash it down. Was it tempeh, you ask? No, it was chicken and chicken only. Gotta stay true to the theme. Even the frozen yogurt machine dispensed chicken sandwich soft serve into freshmen’s bowls.
Instead of the usual playlist of songs from 2013 and Selena Quintanilla hits, every song you’ve ever heard thumping at the back of a house party played through the DC speakers. I’m talking songs like “Mo Bamba,” “SICKO MODE,” “Get Low” and “Bodak Yellow.” You know, the classics.
DC employees donned sunglasses and oversized hoodies to get in Houseboats uniform. The really dedicated staff wacked each other in the legs in an effort to recreate The Bruises.
Truly, it was another wholesome themed meal at the Dining Commons.
Written by: Madeline Kumagai — firstname.lastname@example.org
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)