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Davis, California

Thursday, May 23, 2024

Humor: Davis turkeys mysteriously vanish after Chipotle introduces new protein option

Top-ranked animal scientists suspect fowl play

For years, many an Aggie had to bear witness to the brutality of the Davis turkeys. These birds haunted Cowtown ever since God said, “Let there be turkeys” on the first day of creation. They blocked streets with their slow, fat bodies. They flocked around automobiles with the ferocity of a used car salesman trying to make commission. And they intimidated countless little freshmen into dropping out of college with their aggressive battle cries.

That is, until they vanished.

For this past quarter, the granola people of Davis have enjoyed a very turkey-free spring. Not a single person has had to climb out of their vehicle in an attempt to chase one of those fat bastards off the road. Ornithophobes can walk around town in peace knowing that they will not have to look into the turkeys’ beady little eyes while en route to the farmers market.

The most shocking part of this development is that no one is certain what caused the turkeys’ disappearance.

In other news, the Chipotle in downtown Davis is now serving turkey as a protein option for their entrees. Residents of the 95616 can now fill their burritos or tacos with meat from Meleagris gallapavo.

“The new protein option is really, really good,” said fourth-year Oliver Lucchesi. “Do I get it in a burrito or bowl? Man, the real question is ‘What happened to the turkeys in town?’ I don’t know.” Lucchesi took a bite of his burrito before continuing, “All I know is that this turkey burrito is hella good. I think it’s ‘cause the meat is really fresh.”

Written by: Madeline Kumagai — mskumagai@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)


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