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Thursday, May 30, 2024

Humor: How to actually sign off your email

When “sincerely” just isn’t sincere enough

Undoubtedly, the most valuable bit of knowledge you’ll ever learn at college is mastering the art of proper email etiquette. Appropriate salutations, acknowledging your professor’s Ph.D. title and a formal tone are all important things to consider when drafting your message. But you already knew that.

 The greatest challenge I and any respected communication major will notice is the lack of conviction in email closings.

“But there are oh so many adverbs to choose from, how will I know which one to use?” I hear you, and I’m here to tell you to throw “thanks” and “best” out the window because the only sign-off you’ll ever need to use is “affectionately.”

“Why ‘affectionately?’” you may wonder. According to the OED (English major slang for Oxford English Dictionary), the word ‘affectionately’ is defined as, “with favorable disposition; in a kindly or loving manner; fondly.” That may seem too forward or just plain inappropriate when asking about next week’s midterm, but in this essay I will discuss precisely how it will help you ace all your classes and leave a lasting impression.

You’ll stand out.

  How many emails does your professor receive a day? Probably a lot. How many of them actually have anything interesting to say? Not many. But you and your doting diction are what’s going to get you that curve at the end of the quarter versus your basic classmate who signs “warmly.”

You’ll impress your professor with your extensive vocabulary.

A 14-letter word? That’s talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show-stopping, spectacular, never the same, totally unique, completely not ever been done before…

Your professor will feel appreciated.

Too often we ask our professors, “What’s on the final?” and never “What’s on your mind?” or “How are you?” They say a single word is worth a thousand other words — or something like that.

It suits any email subject.

Asking for a paper extension? Affectionately. Wondering about office hours? Affectionately. Initiating an affair with a married man? Affectionately. It really has a certain je ne sais quoi to it. 

So before you eagerly hit send, I ask you to look into your heart and say what you really mean.

Sent from iPhone

Written by: Julietta Bisharyan — jsbisharyan@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)


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