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Sunday, April 21, 2024

Humor: BREAKING: Frat Boy Frisbee Season leads to countless injuries

Let your loved ones know you’re okay: mark yourself “safe” from lethal sport

Eating her favorite CoHo entree beside her squirrel companions in the Quad, first-year student Jessica Blanche basked in the sun as she decorated her bullet journal for the week. Delighted with the warm weather, she even gave up an empty hammock to another student, insisting nothing could ruin her three-hour gap. 

Pulling out her brand new pack of Sharpie highlighters, Blanche was more than ready to destress. She shuffled through her favorite Glee covers on Spotify, blissfully unaware that this perfect day would soon take a dreadful hit.

Concentrated on her calligraphy writing, Blanche suddenly felt a sharp object strike her leg. She jolted and consequently messed up her straight lines. Turning around in horror, she found a frisbee at her feet and a tear in her heart.

“I thought I had been shot,” Blanche recounts, shuddering. She looked down at the pink pen marks that stained her hands. “Now I have to redo my entire spread for week 7!”

After the attack, a boy in an Alpha Sigma Phi shirt with his cap on backward rushed over immediately to claim the frisbee.

“My bad, ahaha,” Dylan Cooper said. His laughter trailed off in unpredictable directions. “Legit, me and my boys were just having fun.” He wiped the dirt off his Sperrys before heading back to his squad of khaki wearers.

Since the incident, multiple victims of Frat Boy Frisbee Season have come forward to tell their tales. Second-year Chelsea Hastings said she waits until Winter Quarter every year to sit in the Quad. 

“After a while, you don’t even notice the cold and wet grass. It’s still better than getting a concussion,” she said, shrugging.

Some students have chosen to rally together and organize a sit-in protest at the Quad in hopes of warding off the infamous frisbee season. Still, the disk tossing persists and the threat remains.

“I just don’t want anyone to experience what I went through,” Blanche said. “Not sure if I mentioned this before, but I seriously thought I had been shot.” She had mentioned this before.

To make amends for the injuries, Cooper wants to invite victims of Frat Boy Frisbee Season to his party. 

“We’re having a huge post-week 7 party at the house after this, you should all come,” Cooper said.

Written by: Julietta Bisharyan — jsbisharyan@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)


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