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Davis, California

Tuesday, April 16, 2024

Humor: Gorgeous professor is unaware that students only attend class for him

History is HOT!

Professor Alan Sanders, a stunning assistant professor in the UC Davis history department, was shocked to see that his course offered this winter already had 85 students on the waitlist. The class, A History of the Paper Clip, was previously taught by a now-retired professor who only managed to capture the attention of five students, if lucky.
The outstandingly handsome and young professor was ecstatic. In 2017, he completed his Ph.D. on the topic of paperclips and was fresh on the teaching scene. When asked by The California Aggie how his course was already so successful with the UC Davis student body, the fine specimen beamed. 

“They must have seen my reviews on Rate My Professor. I have seen thousands of chili peppers on there which I hear means ‘red hot teaching!’”

Professor Sanders gave a detailed account of his doctoral dissertation to reporters from The Aggie, yet none of them were able to provide any specifics as to what he said. They were, however, able to describe his eye color — “They were a clear, crystal blue framed with flattering spectacles that perfectly matched his sky-colored button down.” 

Several students of stupid hot Professor Sanders were interviewed to get a firmer handle on what makes his class so magnetic. “I think the class I took from him was on staples. I sat in the front at every lecture to see if he had a ring on,” said Jackson Carter, a fifth-year history major. “There is a ring, though no one knows why he wears it.” 

“I’ve heard he grades really harshly and his lectures are dry,” said Mika Smith, a second-year biology major who is fifteenth on the waitlist. “This class is going to be hell for my GPA if I get in.”

The history department opened up another section of the course due to high demand. Professor Carla Juarez, chair of the UC Davis history department, told reporters that she was extremely elated at the onset of interest in this niche topic. “It’s refreshing that Professor Sanders is able to connect with the students and inform them of the historical role paperclips have played. We are truly grateful to have him in our faculty.”

The Clark Kent look-alike is currently up for a prestigious award in teaching, an unheard-of honor for such a new faculty member. The Aggie wishes him luck and encourages him to come by and speak with us whenever… for, you know, research purposes.

Written by: Kelsey Stewart — kcstewart@ucdavis.edu 

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)


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