Gobble your troubles away
With any fleeting quarter comes student stress. Stress is whack, as it can negatively impact day-to-day activities, resulting in poor mental health and a lack of motivation. Since 2010, UC Davis has single-handedly annihilated student stress by introducing the Therapy Fluffies program.
Therapy Fluffies allow students to hang out and snapchat pets at the Shields Library courtyard, usually during midterm season. Interacting with pets has been proven to reduce stress, lower blood pressure and lift spirits. It’s also a great way to take a break between mental breakdowns.
Unfortunately, due to unknown circumstances (probably Gary May’s deadly allergy to dogs), the university was unable to borrow puppies for the quarterly event. After a heated change.org petition was created to bring back the Therapy Fluffies, the university decided to comply with a cheaper and more festive alternative: Therapy Turkeys.
Notorious for terrorizing the streets of Davis, university Chancellor and mental health connoisseur Gary May said it was not difficult to find the turkeys.
“As I was backing out of my driveway one morning, a herd of turkeys starting ganging up on my car. Normally, I’d be a little irritated, but it gave me the perfect idea. The students just had to see them!”
Unlike the former event, there was a sharp decline in attendance when introducing Therapy Turkeys. Still, many students have expressed excitement.
. Second-year student Sara Lee said Therapy Turkeys helped her remain calm during her most stressful quarter.
“Doctor Feathers has been super helpful! I ranted to him about my stupid stats professor, and he actually listens. Even though he bit me, I have to say that it’s been a while since I’ve felt anything, so I wasn’t even mad!”
Shockingly, others have reported that the turkeys are causing more stress.
“Is this allowed?” fourth-year Mitchell Bernardo asked. “When I first heard the news I thought it was from one of those humor articles, you know where the news is just a joke? Is anyone here laughing?”
Written by: Julietta Bisharyan — email@example.com
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)