This introvert has mastered the art of the Irish goodbye
Last Friday, Colin Meyers, a fourth-year classics major, reluctantly accepted an invitation to a house party.
After pacing outside for 15 minutes, Colin found the courage to open the door. This is your time to shine, Colin, he whispered to himself while striking a power pose.
To his shock and horror, there were already at least 30 people there grouped together on couches, in the kitchen pouring drinks and pairing off to hook up in the bathroom. Music was blasting, and Colin could only assume that it was Fetty Wap.
Awkwardly playing with his hands, he scanned the faces of the partygoers, only to find he didn’t recognize anyone. His next plan of action was to find a quiet, secluded spot, but it seemed as if every crevice of the house was contaminated with people.
An individual came up to talk to him, though the conversation was flat and made Colin want to die. They discussed the rain, what their majors were and who they knew at the party. The momentum petered off aggressively fast, but the individual hung around in Colin’s periphery just enough to concern him and make him self-conscious about his quietness.
Well, s**t, Colin exclaimed inside his mind. He could not think straight while the bass pounded a sensitive part of his skull. He had no desire to continue this conversation. He also had a sneaking suspicion that everyone in the party was looking at him and wondering who invited this socially awkward, human embodiment of a blunt crayon.
He decided he needed to leave at this very moment. “I’m gonna get some air,” he told the unknown individual, even though he had only been inside the party for 10 minutes. He could not help but strut towards the door, intoxicated by the fantasy of cold night air and quietness.
I’m just getting some air; I’ll go back in soon. I am not falling back into my isolated, antisocial ways, he lied to himself sweetly as he exhaled loudly and looked at the moon. He had never felt so in touch with the moon before and considered the moment oddly spiritual. One second later, he said “f**k it” and walked home, saying goodbye to no one.
Written by: Kelsey Stewart – firstname.lastname@example.org
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)