Humor: Girl who wears farmers market hat every day confesses she’s only been once

Humor: Girl who wears farmers market hat every day confesses she’s only been once

Photo Credits: RABIDA / AGGIE

The truth comes out

Waking up in a cold sweat, Katie Helmer realized she couldn’t take it any longer. With graduation just around the corner, the last thing she wanted to do was leave Davis as a fraud. 

Four years of lies and cover-ups have haunted her during her time as an Aggie, and after much self-reflection and soul-searching, she is finally ready to tell us the truth.

Helmer is hesitant at first, hiding her face underneath her vividly pink Farmers Market hat. She takes several sips out of her Hydro Flask, which is also decked out with a Farmers Market sticker, among other stickers from various TV shows she claims she hasn’t seen.

“I’ve only been to the Davis Farmers Market once,” Helmer finally says, her voice shaking. “And that one time was just to buy the hat during my freshman year.”

To say we were shocked would be an understatement.  

Helmer has avoided the topic of going to the Farmers Market for as long as she can remember. While wearing the hat on campus, she’d often be bombarded with compliments from her peers, praising her for supporting local farmers. 

“Everyone applauds me for being unique, saying I’m not like other girls they’ve met. They all think I buy fresh celery and apple juice every weekend.” 

Helmer removed her cap and looked down in remorse. A single tear fell down her face. “I just can’t keep being someone I’m not.”

With her busy schedule of 12 units and countless service hours for her sorority, Helmer said she is frankly unable to find time to attend the weekly event.

“If only the grind stopped for just a moment, then maybe, just maybe, I’d be able to actually go,” Helmer said. “It’s just so hard.”

As our interview came to a close, Helmer unzipped her jacket, revealing a striking Ariana Grande tour shirt. When asked about her favorite song from the popular artist, Helmer began to slur her words incomprehensibly before suddenly running away. We assume she ran to attend the Farmers Market one last time before she finally crosses the stage. Her honesty today is truly commendable.

Written by: Julietta Bisharyan — jsbisharyan@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

1 Comment on this Post

  1. No one else needs to suffer Katie’s fate! The Davis Farmers Market is twice a week, not weekly. And, spring and fall, there’s also one on campus. Here’s the schedule. Come by and get a hat (and fresh produce, a meal and so much more) for yourself! 😉
    Central Park Markets are Saturdays
    8 a.m. to 1 p.m. and …
    Wednesdays – Picnic in the Park: 4:30 to sunset, April through October. Winter Market: 3-6 p.m., November through March.
    UC Davis Farmers Market is Wednesdays, 11 a.m. to 1:30 p.m., fall quarter (early October through early November) and spring quarter (April through early June). Outside the Coffee House at the Memorial Union.

    Reply

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