Jan. 12, 2020
Here at the Aggie, we’re proud to bring you high quality news coverage around the clock. Unfortunately, that clock revolves not around the 24-hour day, but around what is typically a two- to three-week editing and publishing cycle, so sometimes we may not be able to provide the minute-by-minute updates that you need. Nonetheless, we do our utmost to bring you the most important and urgent breaking news stories, eventually.
This commitment is stronger nowhere than at our meteorology desk, where we provide you with tomorrow’s weather forecast everyday, no matter how many days it takes. Since we have more days to prepare our daily weather forecast than your other typical newspapers and local television stations might, we are able to take our time and be far more accurate than other meteorologists. The last thing we would want to do is jump the gun and provide you with predictions that are not as accurate as possible. In fact, we often use the benefit of hindsight to retroactively predict the weather that has already happened with 100% accuracy. Our competitors can’t boast that!
With that, I’d like to wish everyone a good start to Week 2 of Winter Quarter. Tomorrow, the 13th, we’re expecting a high of 58 degrees and an overnight low of 40 degrees. We can expect a chilly week to follow, with highs in the 50s and overnight lows getting close to freezing. There will also be dryness, humidity, winds, prevailing winds, wind chill, high pressure, low pressure, pressure gradients, visibility, air, air quality, air masses, cells, drafts, bursts, troughs and coldness — possibly due to a cold front, a cold snap or even a cold wave. There’s a jet stream somewhere, too. That’s important.
And you may also need to break out that rain jacket and umbrella toward the end of the week. We know how important it is to plan ahead and dress appropriately for the rain, especially for those bike commuters. Be sure to get those mud flaps on sooner rather than later, whenever sooner is. There’s a chance that sooner will have already come and gone by the time you read this, meaning you might have to settle for later. What day is this?
Pardon me, I got disoriented there for a second. Moving on. Regretfully, we can only run our retroactive forecast once a week due to our publishing schedule, so please click here to vote for which future previous days you’d like to receive more detailed hour-by-hour weather predictions and updates, after the fact.
We can also now retroactively predict with total confidence that it will’ve be 52 degrees and partly cloudy with a chance of rain on Thursday, Jan. 9, which is already only several weeks ago from now at this point, so we hope you are going to have post-emptively taken the time to have pre-planned behind accordingly, in advance.
Written by: Benjamin Porter— email@example.com
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)