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Saturday, April 20, 2024

Humor: Newspaper to fire all staff, only publish random tweets ending in “#news”

A modern, forward-looking, social media-based approach to news-making

In October 2018, we here at The Aggie instituted The Policy — a bold new journalistic ethics practice — aimed at eliminating bias by no longer allowing our reporters to cover topics which they know anything about. Our reporters no longer bring any previous knowledge or expertise to their stories, meaning there is now virtually no risk that anything we write could influence your thoughts and opinions about anything in any possible way whatsoever. In other words, The Policy has been a resounding success.

As a result, we now feel that it’s an appropriate time to institute The Policy II, which will take things a step further. In the coming weeks, we will cease publication of any original reporting and will fire all of our writers. Instead of forcing you to rely on us — the so-called “experts” — we plan to give you the opportunity to self-report the news to yourselves, by yourselves, for yourselves. 

To achieve this democratization of the news, all you need to do is simply end any tweet that you think is news-worthy with the hashtag “#news.” Every tweet including “#news” will then be automatically uploaded to our website, no questions asked. Literally. We won’t ask any questions because interviewing sources is a thing of the past. We now understand that it’s not us expert journalists, but you, the people, who are the ones out there on the front lines actually experiencing “the news.”

We will maintain our print edition, which will also feature your tweets, organized in no particular way. Hopefully the prevalence of unedited tweets with social media slang and abbreviations will help give our print edition a unique and modern Internet-influenced aesthetic, attracting a new generation of younger readers to “the news” and teaching them the value of staying informed. It’s possible that local news stations will follow our lead, firing everyone except for their anchors, who will host nightly “readings of the tweets.”

The Policy II is a recognition that we at the news aren’t the newsmakers — you are. This is why it’s time for us to entirely eliminate the concept of “the reporter,” which is essentially nothing more than a middleman position. We realize that what’s happening on social media is way more important than anything that’s actually happening in the real world. And if anything in the real world might continue to hold your short attention span for long enough that you could actually learn something about it, we’re confident that your addiction to social media will quickly pull you back to what really matters. 

Social media is simply way more relevant and engaging than the news media, and we understand that the average person identifies way more with the word “social” than they do with the word “news.” Actual news is boring, stressful and confusing, which are all unhealthy. In fact, the constant urge to get that dopamine rush from “checking your socials” is indicative of the fact that your body needs social media, so you need to stay connected to social media to stay healthy. Long story short, we’re making “the news” healthier.

Within the next few weeks, we will be publishing our first #news article, so be sure to check your phones constantly, as it could happen at any time! You wouldn’t want to miss it, would you?

I suppose that wraps things up. Now, it’s my distinct honor to usher in a new era of newsmaking with our new formal sign-off: Best, Benjamin Porter. #news.

Written by: Benjamin Porter— bbporter@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)


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