88.9 F

Davis, California

Sunday, June 16, 2024

DNC, RNC partner up to debut new ‘Fracking Rules!’ merchandise

Finding the middle ground, underground

We all know how divisive politics can be these days. From the economy, foreign policy and whether literal human beings deserve basic human rights, there always seems to be contentious arguments that break out from political discussions.

In an astounding show of democratic compromise, however, the DNC and RNC have decided to forgo their ideological differences and unite on one of the most important issues of our time: fracking. 

“It is imperative that we dig down into our souls, that we tap into our humanity, and rig ourselves up for the future. That future is fracking,” Senator Kamala Harris announced after the vice presidential (VP) debate against Vice President Mike Pence. The VP candidates were linking pinkies to show solidarity. 

Vice President Mike Pence did not comment, but instead began to molt his skin (as most reptilians do once a month), and revealed his very own “Fracking Rules!” T-shirt. Senator Kamala Harris was visibly disturbed, but “not surprised.” 

Former Vice President Joe Biden was also seen wearing a purple “Fracking Rules!” T-shirt, a fashion choice that was surprising to both him and his supporters: old white men who simply wouldn’t be caught dead in purple. 

The “Fracking Rules” campaign is run by some sort of amalgamation of people with names rhyming with “Brevron” and “Shmexxon Shmobil.” Who these people are or their experience with merchandising remains unclear at the moment. 

Meanwhile, in a galaxy far, far away, President Donald Trump weighed in on the new campaign, showing rare support for the opposing team. 

“The Democrats, I gotta hand it to ‘em, with their government handouts and welfare, and their Antifa… they’ve finally come to their senses about something! Fracking does rule! I’ve been saying it for years! I even took an ad out in fake-news Times about it 10 years ago!” President Trump told a group of his supporters.

Hope Hicks––who rose to fame in her role as coronavirus patient-zero in the White House––emerged from quarantine after the remarks and handed the President a T-shirt cannon, which he then used to absolutely obliterate a bunch of “loser, mask-wearing, fake news people.” The president claimed that his “astonishingly good aim” was merely a coincidence. 

In addition to the T-shirts, the “Fracking Rules!” campaign has launched a variety of fracking-centric merchandise, including “Fracktastic” tote bags, “Frackophile” socks and limited edition “Frack Juice,” a sort of DIY fracking liquid that comes complete with all 700 different toxins, sand and water.

When asked about fracking and climate change during his town hall “debate,” Mr. Biden was quick to make his views clear to the public:

“Let’s face the facts, folks: what’s a little fracking gonna do in the grand scheme of things? My plan doesn’t even have us reaching net-zero until 2345! It’s all a bunch of malarkey.” 

Written by: Isabella Chuecos –– ifchuecos@ucdavis.edu 

(This article is humor and/or satire, and it’s content is purely fictional. The story and/or names of “sources” are fictionalized.)


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here