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Tuesday, May 28, 2024

UC Davis justifies full tuition with surprise full-sized egghead sculptures for all students to create a ‘true Aggie experience’

 I mean, thanks I guess?

Little Katie Raz’s first year at UC Davis is unsurprisingly uneventful. 

This all changed two nights ago when Katie felt a looming presence in her room. She was certain that she had locked her door, and yet she knew there was something in the room with her. Katie slowly reached over to her desk to turn on her lamp. As light began to fill the room, the being became clear to Katie.

One of UC Davis’s very own egghead sculptures had been laid in her room, upside-down, laughing at her. Initially, she thought she was having one of those weird sleep paralysis hallucinations, but as she became more lucid, it became clear that the egghead was no farce. 

First-years aren’t the only ones who’ve been receiving eggheads. Preston Li, a third-year student, was also accosted by the bookhead egghead in his living room at an untimely hour. 

“I understand the sentiment, but I was in the middle of a breakup with my girlfriend,” Li said to a reporter for The Aggie. “She thought I was trying to win her back with the egghead. She was like, ‘Aw, Preston, you shouldn’t have!’ It worked, but I wish I could’ve won her back by my own merit.” 

After a few weeks with the eggheads in residence, the Davis Isolation Committee (DIC) asked students how they felt about their new roommates. 

“I’ve kinda gotten used to it, I guess. My crippling loneliness hasn’t really been fixed, but at least I feel like I’m not in some sort of random prison experiment,” Katie said, smiling at her rotund sculpture. “Now, it just feels like I’m in a Davis prison experiment.” 

When questioned about the incident, a spokesperson for DIC (not pronounced “dick”), was quick to assure students that it was not an accident, but a gift. 

“We noticed the first-years were lonely! So we thought, why don’t we take that tuition money, and just put it somewhere else! There’s no cure for loneliness like an egghead!” the overly enthusiastic spokesperson said. “Also, can you make sure to add that the acronym isn’t pronounced ‘dick’? It’s just not good for our brand.” 

Written By: Isabella Chuecos –– ifchuecos@ucdavis.edu 

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)


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