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Sunday, November 28, 2021

Chancellor Gary May’s latest email

Can he really say that?

In this series of investigative pieces, The Aggie investigates how the COVID-19 crisis has affected individual lives in our community.

The following letter was posted via Chancellor May’s UC Davis page, then abruptly deleted from all records. Here at The Aggie, we obtained the letter from an unnamed source. Here is that letter:

Checking in with Chancellor May: We’re so f****d.

To the UC Davis Community:

I’m done writing emails, guys. Seriously. I’m locking myself and my bottle of Arb Water in my office at the top of Mrak Hall until COVID-19 is over. This is the last one.

And let me tell you WHY.

Today was terrible: A retrospective

Hold on, I just had a shot to unwind after today. Today started off with just an awful Zoom meeting. If you think Zoom classes are bad, try Zoom meetings with 80+ staff, where everyone wants to talk about their weekend plans. WHERE are you going this weekend, Linda??? No one can go ANYWHERE. I get it we have to run a university here. I just miss when I could miss those meetings by hiding in my office and hoping they were too lazy to find me. Nope. ZOOM. I should have never mass bought those licenses. We should have given everyone a Discord. It’s what you guys use anyway, right? And hold on that brings me to my next thing—we’re f****d.

Nobody on campus is wearing a mask, three students have COVID-19 and I can’t find my favorite pen anywhere––god DAMN it. I bet Pablo took it. 

Seriously, why is it so hard to get you guys to be safe? Stop going to each other’s dorms, stop having parties with “just a couple of people,” stop eating out on patios with a bajillion people, stop, stop, STOP IT.
Why is it SO hard to stop you guys? Why can’t I do it? Is it me?…Am I a bad chancellor?

[Arb Water Shot #4]

I don’t wanna be chancellor, give it to the guy who does the Gunrock mascot. I’m the chancellor, I can pass it on to whoever I want.

[Arb Water Shot #7]

Just finished a call with HR. Not only can I not do that, but I’m “not supposed to be at work if it’s 11PM, Gary, go home.” 

Damn you, HR. But you know who can’t go home? This full handle of Don Arboreto Water. We’re finishing this thing tonight and getting our students safe.

[The next few pages are unintelligible rambles about the stress of being a Chancellor and Star Trek: First Contact.]

…Anyway, I just don’t think they should have used Data like that. It was weird for the audience. Everyone I know seems to be lukewarm to that scene at best.

Why is it so hard to talk to my daughter?

Like nothing’s really wrong, but sometimes it’s just hard to connect with her. Like I used to be her hero, guys. I played pretend with her every time she asked, and I got to be the king during princess tea time. The KING. Now, I feel like I have no idea what’s happening in her life. She’s a college kid, right? What do college kids like? Do you guys like anything? If anyone has advice, hit me up on Instagram @therealgary. 

It’s almost morning guys, it’s been fun, but I gotta go. Family’s waitin’ for me. But this helped, I think. I feel much better with everything off my chest. I feel like I can do this whole “Chancellor” thing again. Thanks everybody.

You know what, next week’s email will be on “Perseverance.” Yeeeeeeeah.

Written by: Matthew Simons –– mrsimons@ucdavis.edu 

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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